A Beautiful Day!

I was super nervous to go see the urologist today. The appointment could go so many different ways. Since I was still having some urin discharge vaginally, I figured I wouldn't be able to de-tube quite yet. I was right. He said that he wanted to set up another cystogram for Monday. This time they need to make it a gentle one. He thinks the last one could have probably blown through the hole and cause more problems. Who knows. So this time, they will gently look for leaking and make sure that everything has healed. If things are good, then I will get the drain out. If things continue to go well, about ten days later, the catheter will be able to come out. So at least 2 1/2 weeks of catheter left. But at least we have an idea now of what to expect. Not ideal, but ill take it.

We went over to see Caleb after my appointment. Things are quite crazy right now down at the NICU. Trever held him first. Then the ultrasound lady came in and did his echocardiogram. With his rapid breathing, they want to make sure they didn't miss anything during the first one. They have been talking about doing it for over a week, but each day when they make their rounds, he looks like he is doing better. Then he starts up again later. So they decided to quit talking about it and just do it.

While the ultrasound lady was there, he had a bunch of bradys. He kept spitting up and choking on it. It was so unlike him to struggle that much. Then again, he was laying flat and she was pushing on his chest. He has some reflux, so she was stirring things up for him most likely.

After she left, it was my turn to hold him. I was gazing into his eyes and lovin on him. i had really wanted to try to latch him on and see what he would do. i almost did it, but wasnt sure if they would be ok with it, especially since he just ate. Shortly after i had that thought, the lactation nurse came in. She said that they decided that I can pretty much try to latch him on whenever I want. How did she know that I was wanting to at that at that very moment? She got him set up for me and helped me position him. I have always been a lazy nurser, so I don't always hold my babies the best way. For him, we needed to make sure I held him right so that he could breathe properly. He latched right on!! He sucked away and got a few swallows in. After a few minutes, he unlatched. At that point, I just always assumed they were done and didn't want more. So I was about to close up shop and she said to just let him rest up against my breast and he will find it again if he wants it. He laid there for a bit, breathing a little heavier, like he was trying to catch his breath almost. Then after a few minutes, he rooted around and I offered the nipple to him again. He latched back on and sucked again. We did this routine for about twenty minutes! It was awesome. He didn't have any bradys the whole time. His  breathing was still a little high but he completely regulated it himself. It was absolutely amazing. I am so proud of him! We seriously had such a special bonding moment. I could feel healing just flow through my whole body. I really felt like it was such a healing moment for both of us. I felt so much peace and comfort bonding with him.

Breast feeding to me has always been stressful. Growing up, dairy had become a source of stress in our family. We had developed a sort of intolerance to it. It would create extra mucus in our noses and throats. Because of that, my mom was extra stressed when she would eat it while she was nursing. She didn't want to pass anything on to the baby. Since then, I developed the same anxiety and nursing was just no fun. I always was stressed about the different foods I would eat, or I wouldn't eat at all because I was craving chocolate, or cereal or whatever. It just became a source of fear and anxiety for me. To top it off, the last three babies, I had massive yeast issues. I finally let go on my last one and did have mommy milk and half formula. (Which was another huge break through for me.) we grew up with the mentality that not only is breast best... But it's the only option. I have since realized there are many reasons why women don't nurse, and it's ok. A stressful mommy means a stressful baby!

Today was a whole different ball game for me. I was able to just relax and not be in a rush or stressed out about nursing. Breast feeding has changed into a time of healing and joy now. This lactation nurse Vonnie ( might be Bonnie, still not totally sure lol) she is amazing! She is just so calm and easy going. She isn't a nursing maniac like I have seen in the past. She kept saying things like look, he is
really having a moment with you, when he would be gazing into my eyes. She made it all about the bonding and voiceless communicating etc. It wasn't just a source of food and that's it. Amazing moments!

I just called the nurse practitioner to check on the results of the echo. She said she hasn't seen the full report yet, but saw a little note from the dr. I still need to study up on what exactly he has, but she said its minor and should correct itself with age. He is still 4 weeks from his due date and just needs to do things on his own timing. One of the first things she said when I called was, congratulations on that cute little Caleb. She kept talking about what a doll he was. Then said, he is seriously the cutest baby in the nursery. Yeah, I thought I was just being biased, but now we have a second opinion. Lol