This time last year, Trever and I were holding each other and crying ourselves to sleep. We were preparing ourselves for the reality that we may never lay in each others arms again. Trever sang to me as he held me. After a few hours of sleep I woke up and prepared for surgery. We then spent the next few hours meeting with each of the team members doing the surgery. They again explained their portion of the surgery, just like they had multiple times during my 6 weeks there. I said goodbye to my husband and was wheeled into the operating room. After a few complications, they needed to put me to sleep. I rolled in and out of consciousness until they allowed Trever to finally enter. I saw him for just a moment and was then able to peacefully drift off to sleep knowing he was by my side.
Trever then spent the next 8 hours or so torn between his wife and his son. He waited and waited to hear some sort of news that I was ok. He did everything he could do to stay busy so he didnt go crazy. Our dear friend sat with him and comforted him. Finally, later that evening, Trever decided to just check my room in hopes to find answers. That is when he found out that I was out of surgery and getting settled in the ICU. I had been in surgery almost 11 hours. I woke up slightly to the comfort of Trevers voice. He showed me pictures of our little miracle. I was intebated and swollen. I did everything I could to finger spell Caleb's name, to find out his condition. Even drugged and half asleep I was still able to care about him. (Something that therapy and blogging this post helped me realize) i was able to understand enough, to realize I was in bad shape and was able to use hand gestures to ask for a blessing.
24 hours after birth, I was able to hold Caleb for the first time. I blamed myself for not enjoying that moment more. As I write this and process what I now feel from my trauma therapy, I realize that though my body wasn't available to enjoy that moment... My heart cherished it. That moment of wanting to turn away and go back to my room, of feeling mutilated and drugged, now is sweet to me. I realize that I really did long to hold him. I longed to touch him. My body just wasn't available. I was just temperarally disconnected. (For all of you "What About Bob" fans out there. ) He and I both needed time to heal. We needed to focus on ourselves and grow strong enough to be together. He struggled when he was held too much. I struggled when I did too much. The Lord knew that. He understands that. He put people and machines and medications in our path to help us accomplish that. Caleb has never been without the Love of a gentle hand. Angels surrounded us. Both living angels and those who have passed on. The greatest miracle, is that neither of us were jipped or are lacking because of our beginnings. We have bonded in ways that I never knew were possible. The Savior heals wounds. He is there to make up the difference when a mother and a child aren't able to bond right away. He is able to make bottle feeding just as sweet and unifying as nursing. He heals ALL wounds.
I was once (actually many times) told the statistics of the lack of bonding and the necessity of nursing. I was guilted into believing that I was a horrible person because I had to have c-sections. That my body was now "broken" in those areas where I was cut. I was told how horrible it was that I wasn't able to have that initial skin to skin. That I chose to discontinue nursing. And what they didn't realize, is that the Savior heals all wounds. He allows that bonding to still happen. He allows the child to still be healthy and still feel close to his mother, even though he wasn't breastfed. For all of you moms out there that were fed this same crap... Allow the Savior to make it fall into place for you. Life isn't full of single chances. Its full of many opportunities to heal and come closer to Him.
Oh how I love this sweet little boy!
He was my motivation to fight and live that day. He has been my little buddy since before he was born.
He is such a happy and gentle little boy. He loves to snuggle and nuzzle his head into my chest. He loves to wrestle and play on the floor. He loves to be tickled. His laugh could turn the worst of days around immediately. His sisters worship the ground her crawls on. He lights up when Trever and I walk in the room. He lets us know it, when we walk by him without acknowledging him. He is the Love of my life. He makes it all worth it. I love this little man! My sweet little miracle.
Im so thankful for all of those that fasted and prayed on our behalf. Im thankful for my dear brother who faithfully visited with and comforted me while I was in the hospital. He was and is such a blessing to me in my life. Im thankful for all of those who helped with meals, cleaning, babysitting, hospital and dr appointments and visits, etc for weeks on end. I thankful for my loving and amazing husband who cared for our children while I was away. Who was by my side through every worry and fear. through every pain and prescription refill. Through every catheter change and malfunction. Through every hospital visit and NICU experience. Her was there for me and with me. Though it was not possible to be there in person some of the time, he was always just a phone call away. Most especially, I'm thankful for my Loving Father in Heaven who sent angels to comfort me through it all. And who allowed me to live and finish out my life's work. I am so very blessed.
Here are a few flashback pictures over the last year.
My first full day in the hospital.
Only a couple hours old. Holding Daddy's finger.
Daddy's first time holding him.
One of mommys first times touching him. Check out my sausage fingers. Trever says they are about half the size they were right after surgery. See why finger spelling was such a task?
A couple of days old.
My arms were thrashed after surgery. Within my first week or so in the hospital I counted over 50 pokes.
He was 3lbs 15 oz at birth. He dropped down to about 3 lbs 6 oz by this point. Look how tiny!
A dear sweet angel volunteered to do a photo shoot in the hospital.
Saying goodbye got harder and harder.
About a month and a half old and finally gets to meet his sisters!
My dear sweet nurse ValRee who took me and Caleb under her wing and watched over us.
His first day home from the hospital. 9 weeks old.
Snuggle time with his dear friend and sister.
All ready for church!
His cute church shirt made by his Aunt Carrie
Blessing day
Growing bigger and stronger
He loves his daddy time!
Kindred spirits
I love his smile!!
Cowboys and indians for Halloween.
Even sick and tired, he is still adorable!
His first popsicle
Such a big boy now!
What a sweet baby boy!!! I'm so happy for your happy ending to such an emotionally and physically draining experience.
ReplyDeleteI just found your website and your story has really impacted me. I am currently 23 weeks preg with complete placenta previa and placenta percreta. I'm worried about the after effects of my hysterectomy. Would you mind answering a few questions for me? Do you currently have problems with your bladder and/or bowels? Sorry to be too personal but has intimacy been affected. How bad are your joint pains and/or other pains?
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your comments and questions. No worries here about being too personal. I am an open book. I don't have any issues with my bladder at all actually. It has been such a blessing. I had a really good urologist who knew his stuff. The only real issues I have are the usual leakage when you sneeze issues that come from having 6 kids. :) I don't have any bowl issues either. They did take all or most of my cervix. It hasn't changed intimacy a bit for me. The first couple of times, things seemed a little tighter, but nothing big. I was super cautious and nervous, which could have been part of it. I had no clue what was going on in there. Lol. I will say, we knew this would be our last anyway, so I was fine with seeing my uterus go. I have loved that I dont have to stress about bleeding or accidentally getting pregnant. Intimacy has actually been so much better because that stress is gone. Do they have an idea of how bad your percreta is? Im so sorry! Its so scary. Please feel free to call or email me any time you need to chat. Its such a scary time. You will do great though! Jennieplastow@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteThank you for the pictures. What a sweet baby, he has grown so much!
ReplyDeleteHello there! I recently found out that I am pregnant with my 6th, all previous births by csections. We have not been diagnosed with anything yet as it is too soon but the doctor says that there is a high risk for accreta. How far along were you when you found out and how was the overall pregnancy? I'm just trying to prepare us. I have 6 boys!
ReplyDeleteHi Daphne! Thanks for your comment. Your dr is right. And what a blessing that they told you so early! Many moms go undiagnosed because of the lack of knowledge from drs. It sounds like yours knows a thing or two. That is great. Hopefully you end up without it for sure. Im glad you are preparing yourself. Im here for any questions you have. Im also on facebook with the hope for accreta foundation. They have a support group page called placenta accreta increta and percreta. The women on there are all amazing supports to each other. So willing to share stories and answer questions as well. Good luck dear. Please keep me posted. My email is jennieplastow at gmail.com if you would rather email. Oh... i was about 23 weeks along when i heard about accreta the first time... at that I may have it. It was comfirmed about a week later.
Delete5 boys not 6.
ReplyDeleteVery nice post.really I apperciate your blog.Thanks for sharing.keep sharing more blogs.
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