Changes

So many things have been on my mind the past few weeks. So many things have changed. My emotions have been all over the place. I haven't felt stable enough to blog. I have kept busy with my cakes. Creating, enjoying, processing, thriving. I have had so many cake orders the past couple of weeks. I cant help but think about the blessing they have been. They have been my processing time. As I create, I'm able to feel. Im able to make a little more sense of the world around me. 

A couple weeks ago, Trever and I attended the Gilbert Temple dedication with my Kenzie girl. What a precious experience. We also were blessed to see parts (crummy internet connection) of the Cultural Celebration the previous night. 

Side note...Becca just came up to me asking me to beed (feed) her, her oatmeal. She continues to ask in between each bite she feeds herself. She is so stinkin cute! 

The dedication and celebration were breathtaking and beautiful. What a sweet and precious experience to see our youth dancing in the pouring rain. They were strong and immovable through that literal storm. Seeing our beloved prophet and beloved President Eyring. Ah, peace to my soul, when I see and hear those two men! What a blessed experience. 

Last week, our bishop and one of his counselors was released. I have grown to love both of those men in many  ways. Im thankful that they are still going to be around. Im sad that I wont have them to turn to in that priesthood capacity any more. The new Bishop that was called is another dear friend. A friend since high school for both Trever and I. I could not be more pleased with Heavenly Fathers choice, to call him as our new bishop. I am excited to see him in this different way. To sit at his feet and be taught from him. He is a good man. His wife is my dear friend. She is such a sweet and classy women. Just like our previous bishops wife.

I was worried about the changes. Not because I didnt want it, but because I wanted us to be a part of it.  I wondered if Trever would be involved this time. Neither of us would ever aspire to a calling, but we would desire the growth, the challenge, the experience. Since Trever has been in the bishopric before, it is never far from my mind when I know a change is coming. Will he be put back in? Could I handle that change, now that I have 6 kids instead of 3. When I realized they would be making the change that day, I was sad. I felt like I wasn't good enough. I wasn't strong enough, still. I knew at that point that Trever wouldn't be a part of those changes. I had secretly wanted the challenge, so I could prove to myself that I was strong enough to handle 6 kids while my husband was off serving the Lord and the ward members. I felt like the Lord didnt think I could handle it. I have missed the spiritual high that came from Trever serving in the bishopric. I did, I do. It is hard to be released from a calling where you were challenged and spiritually fed more often than most callings. Even as his wife, I learned so much. I grew immensely from it. Of course, any calling is not easy, and there is no "glory" in being in a bishopric like some may think. But to sit at the Bishops feet and be taught almost daily, is such a blessing. 

When the new bishopric was called... I instantly felt peace. I know each of them and love them dearly. I know that it is  the Lords will. The new counselor that was put in, was Beccas old nursery teacher. They were dear friends. I loved watching his eyes light up as she walked in the room. He would pick her up and give her a huge hug and she would grin. She had a hard time adjusting to nursery. Im so thankful he was there to watch over her. That she felt comfortable with him. She did really well when he was in there with her. Im thankful for him. The other counselor was our home teacher for a while. Trever has worked closely with him in scouts for quite a while now. We love and appreciate him too. 

Change can be challenging. But so rewarding. This change will be such a blessing for our ward. It is of course bitter sweet. We loved the former ones too, 

Yesterday, another change was made. Our stake was split. We have a new stake presidency. Again, I was a bundle of emotions. Would we be a part of the change. Would I be ok with the new men that were called. Would I know them. Would I be able to love them like I did the previous presidency? I cried and cried through the entire saturday night session. A little too much change in my life right now, I guess. I wasnt even sure why I was crying, but I couldn't hold it back. I was just thankful that the lights were off. 

As I cried, a flood of emotions came out. I was able to process and understand my life a little more. Why did I want Trever to be a part of all of this change so bad? Why would I wish that on myself. I knew it would be hard, and I almost wanted it because I knew it would be. I wanted to be forced to be stronger than I felt I was. That way I can prove to myself I am good enough, I can handle it. 

I then realized just how much my reality is really unstable right now. I grew up in a home where we did the right things for the wrong reasons. We did them out of fear of being punished by God, fear of what others would think of us, and fear of being wrong. As I learn the true gospel, I find myself struggling to do the right things. The rebel inside of me, sees those "faithful acts" as tainted because of the former motivation. I havent yet seperated the act from the inpure desires.  I dont know what studying your scriptures, (because you love them, because they bring comfort and joy) looks like. I only know what reading them (so that I could check them off the list) looks like. I dont know what a personal relationship with the Lord looks like. I have never really seen prayer as a gift or a blessing. Ive only seen it as a command and a threat. (You have to do this or else) That is how we did things, how we saw things. I wanted to be able to be around people who do know what that is like. So they could teach me. So I could learn from them, and they could take me in and teach me in a way that brings joy instead of fear. I wanted to be the child instead of the grownup for a while and start back at the basics. So I was sad when he wasnt called to be able to serve in some sort of capacity like that. 

Saturday night Trever and I were talking through my feelings and he helped me realize that we have many friends who "get it".  There are so many people in our ward that we admire and want to get to know. Ive kept a safe distance from people, not wanting to get too close over the years, because of my ability to run. Ive always had that all or nothing mentality with friends. The slightest issue, sent me running. As I have been getting help, Im learning to stay and heal. I guess its time to let people in a little more and put my new strength to the test. Its time for me to trust again. I dont need an excuse like my husband being in a calling like that, to be able to justify rubbing shoulders with such amazing people. I need to be confident in knowing that I am a good person and we dont need to be in a leadership position to prove that. The only people that I need to prove anything to is myself and the Lord.

When they called the new stake presidency, I again was filled with sweet Joy and peace. I knew it was Gods will. The men that were called hold such a special place in our hearts. I have no doubt that they are right for the job. I admire those men, i look up to them, i honor them. 

I am thankful for the discoverys of the past couple of weeks. Especially the last week. Im learning how to admit my fears and my true desires without being afraid of how others will judge me. Im learning its ok to be wrong sometimes. That doesnt mean im a horrible person it simply means Im human. God created me, so how can natural feelings or mistakes be bad? I know we are supposed to become more like him, so how is hiding my true self going to accomplish that. Only by revealing our inner desires, weakeness, fears etc, can we begin to learn, grow and understand. 

I have really struggled with my parents divorce. I never knew that someone who was so faithful could be so hypocritical  and mean.  Its breaks my heart. Im learning to still love and let them do their thing. Im learning to take responsibility in my own emotions and not let other peoples struggles become my own. Its hard. We are taught to lift the hands that hang down, to bare one anothers burdens. I used to take that literally. But really what it means is to be supportive. To pray for them. No one was able to take the pains, the surgery, the accreta away from me. (Except God of course) i needed to go through it. No matter how much Trever wanted to, he couldnt. We have to just love them through it.

Sweet Jenifer is having surgery again today. As much as I wish I could rescue her, i cant. All I can do is pray. I am meeting so many accreta warriors lately. So many amazing and strong women. Some have made it to the other side (of surgery). Some are still having their pregnancy journey. I want to comfort them and tell them it will all be ok. It most likely will... Eventually...but this condition is a silent killer. Many dont understand the nature of this condition. Those that make it through, have faced death in the face. A literal 2nd chance at life. Im so thankful for modern medicine. For devoted doctors and nurses who sacrifice and take risks to save our lives. Without them, i would not be here. God provides a way. He always does. 

On Friday night, we were invited to the temple with some dear friends. Im so thankful they reached out to us. I needed that whole experience this weekend. The spirit, the food,  the friendship and laughter. What a special evening. Im thankful for good friends! I left the temple session feeling so uplifted and edified. We havent  done a session for far too long.  The spirit in the newest video was simply amazing. Going to the temple is one of those things that I just couldnt find motivation for. Temple service has become tarnished to me, because of the hipocracy I have seen. I was blessed to help with the tours of the Gilbert temple, which strengthened my testimony a little more. But going through the temple on Friday began to change me even more. It helped me to seperate the situation and see that because other people are hippocrites doesnt mean that I need to be. I found a love for the temple that Ive never had. I understood so much more. I desired to come back. It feels great. It is no longer a "have to do or else." It has become a "want to do because..." Because I want to keep my marriage eternal. I want to be able to sit at the Lords feet and be taught. I want to learn and grow. I want to understand the true nature of God, intead of being afraid of him. 

Im so grateful for the changes that have been happening. They have caused me to change. To feel. To grow. I am learning to do things because I want to, not because I have to. Im fining joy in the journey. Life is  not about fear and control. Its about learning and growing. Making mistakes and living!