Therapy

I have been struggling this week with a few things and people. There seems to be a handful of people trying to be the family hero right now.  There are some very rude and inappropriate comments going around about me. Its sickening. Things that were assumptions that weren't even on my mind at the time. She said this about me, you hate your family, he has her in his back pocket. All kinds of crap. The thing about a family that cant stop gossiping... Is that it gets back to the gossiped about person in just a few hours. Someone feels like its their calling in life to save the day, and rescue the "troubled at heart" by calling the person out and telling them what a horrible person they are. I wish they could see how damaging that is. Yeah it hurts to hear that people are gossiping about you, and saying mean things to you... But the real damage is what they are doing to themselves. Its really sad to see how much they are hurting themselves over it all. 

On thursday I reached out for some help. I wanted to revert to my old ways of screaming and running away, but knew that wasnt a good choice. I needed some help in seeing things differently. I explained the situation and was expecting a different response than I was given. he broke the standard of usual Sanders responses. I was so amazed at his compassion for the individuals who had wronged him. He understood that those people were hurting over it all too, and just acting out the best they new how, to find peace in their lives. Wow... This person who has been the villian of the family for years now, had true and sincere compassion for these people and was helping me see that they aren't bad people. He helped me see the bigger picture and to think outside the box. He showed me how to be compassionate towards them. Not the "let them walk all over you" way of seeing compassion, but true compassion.  I got off the phone and decided that I wanted to be like that. 

I was on my way to the temple that night and was praying to find a way to go see a counselor. I felt like I needed to bite the bullet and just call him right then. I had been putting it off, using different excuses. Really it was because I was scared that he would tell me what a horrible person I was and would  give me a laundry list of things that I needed to fix. 

I decided to listen and quickly tracked down his number. There is usually a very long wait to get in to see this psychologist. He is a guy in demand. The next available appointment wasn't unto april 23rd. Ahhh!!! I didn't realize he was booked over two months out!  Then she told me how they could put me on the cancelation list. When someone cancels, they can call and get me in last minute. Then she remembered that they just had a spot open up for the next day. She got me right in and I was able to go see him yesterday. 

Wow! I didn't know that way of thinking existed! This guy is so outside the box! He wasn't in my face trying to fix everything. He patiently sat back and let me figure out the answers for myself. He is good! He would gently guide me with a question or a comment, but that was it. Not only was there a comfortable welcoming feeling to his office and coming from him, but I felt like there was so much more to life than I was allowing in mine. He was so outside the box. ( for those that dont know that phrase. It basically means thinking outside the usual circumstances. Seeing the bigger picture. Ill explain more about this in another post. Its awesome stuff i learned a few years back. )

I left there feeling empowered. I called a friend who has been going to him and said, wow! He is good! I said that it is in my nature to hide my emotions in these situations. Its weird how as I was talking, and answering questions, that I would naturally bring up those things that were most backed with emotion. I tried hard to put on a front and not let him see me in pain. That is a vulnerable feeling. I didn't want him to judge me for not being completely put together. Yet when he saw it coming out... He compassionately helped me through it. Wowza... I really wanted to go in for one session, get some tools to handling drama and walk out. Now, i cant wait to go back. I felt like he had so much to teach me and help me with. He is the person that I am trying to become. He understands the gospel. He understands people, and doesn't jump into judgement. He helped me understand how those, "i am a terrible person thoughts" are automatic. They have been there for so long, that they come without thinking. He gave me hope to realize... It doesn't have to be that way. 

He suggested some trauma therapy for my trauma with abuse when I was younger. I told him I had dealt  with the actual event and person, and Im totally ok there... But the part where is defined me my whole life... (Thats because you were molested comments all growing up) is what he wants to help me with. This is a different therapy than the usual talk therapy. Ive heard some good things about it. It really helped a good friend of mine. I also mentioned that I probably needed it for my trauma from surgery etc. even bringing it up to him brought a flood of emotions that I haven't been able to deal with yet. Ones I didn't realize were there. I am excited that I am getting help. A couple of days ago, i thought I as doing great and didn't need help. Then seeing this family member be so "healthy" and realizing that my automatic responses are still so automatic... I knew I wanted to be healthy like that. 

I have been cautioned that this journey isn't going to be easy. It is going to pull out some deep rooted emotions and and beliefs that I want to hang on to. Systems don't like change. People don't like this kind of change. It will probably get worse before it gets better. He wanted me to know that i needed to stick through that rough part with him. It would be better to never start the process than to give up in the middle of it. I thankfully have a good support system in place, to help me through it. 

It is going to be an interesting few weeks/ months.  Im scared, anxious and excited.  Seeing those that have done through it, and where they are now... It a good "light at the end of the tunnel" for me to hang on to.