I have been a little scarce this week. It has been a really rough week. I didn't realize that the "getting worse before it gets better" part of therapy would have started so soon. I think the anticipation of the pain etc, was the worst part this week. I let the worry and the fear shake me up. I was blessed to get in early and go see him again yesterday. (Im not on the schedule until the end of march) he really taught me a lot about my brain and the natural chemical reactions that happen during those anxious and panicky moments. He gave me some tools to help my body realize, that Im not in danger and to reverse the response It naturally wants to give. With anything in the body, too much of a good thing can become toxic. These chemicals are meant to be there to help in true emergency situations. But sometimes the body thinks its in emergency more, because of a trigger memory or something, so we need to influence it back to present day reality. I walked away feeling so empowered!
So I have decided with the rough time Im going through right now, i need to write what comes to mind as it comes to mind. If it makes sense or not. I need to scream and yell and cry and be the crazy person I feel like, sometimes. And as much as I dont want to admit it, i still sensor my words because of my audience, so I am going to start a private blog for processing. Someday, i may let it go public But for right now, just me. I need to be able to process without censoring it. Everyone processes in their own way, writing is mine. (Or baking, depending on what I need to process.) Everything seems to make sense when I just spew it out as it comes.
I remember my dad having moments throughout my youth, actually everyone had them in their own way, but my dads way seemed to be scary for us. He would " check out" as we called it and head to his room for a while. We all somehow became paranoid about it, because it was outside our "perfect" family belief system. You don't check out, you don't act weak, and you definitely don't seclude yourself from the family for any amount of time. We began to make up stories to ourselves, to try to give a face to our confusion as to why he would have these moments. Was he possessed? Bipolar? Lazy? Did he hate us? We needed to create something that was believable to help us understand why he didn't want to be near us. Sometimes it would be moments, others it would be days. He just wanted to be by himself.
Now that I have been going through my breakthrough to self discovery, I realize now that he wasn't any of those things we thought he was being. He just needed to process. Process time is critical. Especially in a family wound as tight as ours. We pushed him away by not allowing him to have that time. We as a family have pushed other family members away for similar things. We each process in our own way. We need to allow our loved ones to be able to do that, in their own way and in their own time. It is hard for us to communicate how we are feeling in those rough moments, so we often don't, or do it by taking it out on others. If we as a family were able to understand each other in a way that knew each persons way to process and encouraged it instead of took offense to it. What a cool thing that would be. I am getting that now. Trever has been so good at letting my say, I need to check out... And go do my thing. Im so much happier when I come back, knowing that I didn't have to hide it, and he loves me enough to give me that time. I try to do the same for him, when he needs it.
I am learning so much lately. It has been rough to realize how my belief system was flawed, but also great to realize that the Plan is so much better than I realized. I am still going to continue to blog about my crazy yet wonderful life, but Im going to save the really crazy processing for my private processing time. Speaking of crazy life, Im off to change a diaper to end all diapers! Ick!
No comments:
Post a Comment