Proud Mamma

I just got off the phone whit Caleb's nurse. She said that he is doing really well. They started him on an inhaled steroid yesterday to see if it may possibly help his lungs a little bit. It looks like they are working as of tonight! She said that he nippled I think it was 38 ccs at his 8 pm feeding then took the rest through his feeding tube. Then at his 11 feeding he took 44 ccs! (He gets a total of 54 each feeding, so almost 2 oz) I am so proud of him. This is a huge step for him. Just about a week ago we were excited that he took 7. My big boy is getting so strong. It has been a rough week for me. This totally made it all better. Such great news. One step closer to coming home!! I think I told you this already, but he has to have 2 days of no feeding tube, and take everything by mouth. He also has to go 5 days with out any Brady's. then he will be able to come home. I am so excited!

I have really been up and down this week emotionally. I was still having plumbing issues and starting to freak myself out that I would have to have surgery because of it. I am realizing more and more how terrified I am to go under again. Nothing I have going on will lead to a surgery worse that the first one, but it still freaks me out. We found out 2 weeks ago that I may have a fistula forming. This is the thing that my urologist says I don't want! But didn't really say much else. I am so unsure about what is going on with my body, and looking it up on the Internet just makes things worse it seems. So I have just been a bundle of nerves. I decided that since this was a new thing, it was ok to get another blessing for it. I normally do really well with one blessing every 6 months or so, but lately, there is something new each week and my faith just doesn't seem to sustain me as long these days. So yes I admit, I am not as strong as I wish I was. (Hold that thought cause I am coming back to that...) my sweet Trever is always so willing to give me a blessing. He and our home teacher did it for me this week. I was blessed that I would heal fully and quickly. It was so comforting to hear that!

Back to not feeling very strong these days. Last night I was pondering on why I have been feeling
such anxiety and fear about everything. I wanted to know what I was afraid of. After some soul searching, I realized that I was afraid to heal. I'm afraid to get my drain out. Not for the pain or any of that, but what if he takes it out too early or something. Almost every time, the night before he is going to take it out, something happens to keep him from taking it out. I know that is just my Heavenly Father saying, hey its not time yet. So you would think that I would be confident that when he takes it out it will be time, but noooo. I have this deep rooted fear that Heavenly Father is going to bail on me right before the finish line. WHY? Why do I feel that way? It bugs me. I also fear getting well, (this will sound totally silly, so please don't judge me...) but I won't have anything to talk about after that. Seriously, you guys are my lifeline right now. When healing is done, Caleb is home, what's there left to talk about. Seriously... I told you it was silly. I can find anxiety about anything. I come from a long line of worriers. Then I just have to remind myself that we want others stories on here too, this will become a site for other woman's experiences and for the media side as well. So see, I told you it would all be ok. Lol

Anyway I had an experience during this soul searching moment where I was praying for desire to be healed and that the fear would go away.  I started to think of the man in the scriptures who said "Lord I believe...Help though my unbelief." I told The Lord that my faith wasn't lacking in him or his ability to heal, but it was in myself and my ability and desire to allow it to happen. Again silly, who wouldn't want to be healed, but think about it... There are many people out there who enjoy the attention, the pay off. I am one of those people. I don't want to be, but I am. I have been fighting against that part of my life for a long time. I don't want to be someone who drains people because I have drama in my life. I want to be someone who is always happy and up lifting. Who doesn't live in fear and anxiety. I have seen what it does to people. I fight every day, to keep it from doing the same to me.

So I said, I believe but I feel like my strength isn't strong enough. Please help my unbelief. I was shocked when I heard the talk in conference today from Elder Holland talking about the very same thing!  It was amazing. The talk that helped me a ton with letting go and having faith to move

forward is President Uchdorf's talk. The first talk in this morning session. There are some amazing and powerful promises in that talk. It really helped me to realize, I have more faith than I thought I had. The link is below so you can read it. Anyway, I don't know how things will turn out the next few weeks, but I am going to continue to fight each day to face the fear and move on. Wow, there is something less intimidating about sharing your deepest darkest fears, or most embarrassing moments when you are just writing it down, instead of face to face. Lol

Also, I apologize for not having too many pictures on here for you. I haven't figured out how to get them added from my iPad. That is all I use right now soi can blog from my rocking chair. Ill get some added from the computer one of these days. Thanks for reading!








http://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2013/04?lang=eng&vid=2284437978001&cid=3