Emotions

I don't know that I can say my emotions have ever been completely stable in my life. Lately though, they seem to be on a roller coaster. I have tried to allow myself to let the emotions surface when they want to, so that I can work through the fears, joys etc. I know that going through something like this is bound to stir up some emotions. So I shouldn't be surprised that I had another melt down yesterday.

I have been talking a lot about my drain lately. I should probably describe what it is... I think Trever is working on another visual diagram for you, about the drains. It will be able to explain way better than I can. Here is my version though. It's called a JP drain. Named after some guy I believe. They put two of them in. One on either side of my abdomen. The first one,  they removed before I left the hospital. The 2nd is still in my right side. It's like a catheter for the abdomen cavity. It drains all of the excess fluids from surgery out and into a bulb, through suction. Then you squeeze the bulb to drain out the fluids.

Both times, just before the doctor says its ok to take out, it starts to fill up and tripple its output. It had been doing minimal output for a few days and then like a light, it switches. Last time this happened, we went to the ER and they ended up doing surgery again. More because the ureter stent had come loose and they needed to fix it. But they did try to seal the hole in the bladder while they were in there.

Yesterday I went to the urologist, because the drain was looking infected. It was also super painful. He said it looked like it was ready to come. It had minimal output, the stitches were pulling off etc. He normally would have just pulled it out, but wanted to make sure that there were no leaks first. They scheduled me for a cystogram for early this morning.

After the doctor, we went to see Caleb. Something seemed different with him. I'm not sure if it was just me preoccupied with the procedure or if something was wrong with him. I'm still not sure. I was able to do some kangaroo care with him while he ate. His monitors were going off throughout the process. It says his heart rate was in the 200's. Then his oxygen monitor would go off. They ended up just not being connected right. So they were reading things wrong. By the time I was done holding him, I was a stress case! I checked him each time to make sure his coloring was good and he was still breathing. He looked fine, but it was still scary having the monitors say that your son is not breathing or whatever. They always say to check the baby, not the monitors. His body will say if something is wrong. It's just so easy to sit and watch those numbers. Hanging on to their every pulse, to tell you that your baby is ok.

When we got out to the car, my arm rubbed up against my drain and it was full!! I immediately panicked and burst into tears. Almost as quickly... i felt again... this is a tender mercy... i was nt sure how or why and didnt care at that point. i just wanted to panick! i knew it would all be fine, but what would i have to go through to get to that point. The drain had been practly empty the past couple of days. Then all of a sudden it's filling rapidly again. When this happens, the fluid changes from a cranberry color, (bloody discharge) to urin. I was so stressed about the testing today that I immediately expected the worst. For me, that was another procedure. I knew it meant that the bladder wasn't healed yet and that they may want to go back in and try to seal it back up. Between the exhaustion of the day and the anxiety/fear, I  was not doing well emotionally. When you get like this, then everything is bigger than it is. I cried most of the way home. I prepared my mom (who was going to watch the kids for us today) that I might not be coming home again. They may want to do another procedure. I had felt for a while, that last weeks bump in the road, wasn't the last one. So I was extra sensitive when it happened again.

I was heading into the bathroom to shower, when all of a sudden it hit me. Call the dr. If it is just a leak, then there is no reason to wake up at the crack of dawn to head into Phoenix for testing. So I immediately called him. I talked to Dr. Scott. He was the dr on call. He agreed that there was no reason to do the testing. The leak/hole was still in the bladder and we just needed to give it more time. I asked if there was any other scary reason why it would be leaking all of a sudden like that. He said he didn't think so. That it should heal on its own and we don't have to worry about it. Yippee! No more fix up procedures. It will just heal on its own. I was able to calm down after hearing that.

I was so thankful that I asked for extra prayers last night on Facebook. I thought I needed them for my body and to avoid another procedure, but it turns out I needed them for my mind and emotions. I was able to quickly get answers and relief through that phone call. I know that somehow, those prayers helped. It may seem like such a small thing to worry about after what I have gone through. But I have seen small things get critical, in a heart beat. So I have learned to plan for the worst.

I will have to keep the catheter and the drain in for another week now. But I'll take it. I actually feel like the major bumps are over now. For some reason, yesterday's bump, had to happen. I feel like there were things I needed to learn through that, and now it's time to just rest and heal. For the first time in almost three weeks, I feel like the worst is over and it is just healing time.

I talked with dr. Hall today. I gave him the details of yesterday and last night. He is my primary urologist. He said he is glad we didn't do the cystogram today. He also asked about my output. He said that it is actually a good number and the hole was actually a really small one. That was comforting to hear. Onward and upward from here!