I Almost Missed It

This post is going to be a rough one to get through I think. Since my last post, i have begun to struggle quite a bit. Around the last week in september, I developed a cough resulting in Bronchitis. I was put on antibiotics and started to feel slightly better. Yet the cough lingered. I tried everything I could think of to find relief. Oils, tons of different over the counter meds for both allergies and colds, prescriptions, etc. The only thing that seemed to help was benedryl. It seemed to break up the flem and help me sleep enough so my body could heal a little more. Over 3 months later... It is still lingering. Coming and going in strong waves, then down to an annoying tickle. Ive had 3 infections since it started, and my body feels worn down and beat up! 

I realize much of my lack of recovery was self inflicted. This time of year is my busy time. Burning the candle at both ends some days. I did, however, try extra hard to take care of myself. I went to bed early. Turned down fun things, so I could pace myself. Etc. After a while, it began to way on me emotionally. My messy house was piling up. It seemed like I never had enough energy to accomplish anything around the house. I would put off tasks until absolutly necessary.

I had committed to so many things, (thinking I would be well by then). Things that I could normally handle with ease. I paced the things I committed to, and yet they still were overwhelming. I began to feel even more loss of control in my life. The more out of control I felt, the more I fought back. The more I fought back, the greater my anxiety and depression got. I began to feel like everything I worked for with my therapist, was gone. I felt like all of my efforts to be organized, were in vain. Everything I did seemed pointless. I just kept ending up with the same results. A messy house, short tempered, among many other things. My parents were/are still in the middle of a bitter divorce. We were/are still in the same situation financially that we were ten years ago.... The list seemed to go on forever. I felt overwhelmed, defeated and useless. 

There was a part of me that knew, my little family would really suffer if I wasn't here. I knew that I made a difference, but I didn't care. I knew I was loved, but I didn't care. That was the weird thing about what was happening to me... I had some logic still, but I lost my desire to fight. I lost my will to live. When my friend committed suicide, I kept thinking... "If only he knew that we loved him. That we cared..." Going through, what Im about to tell you, helped me realize a little bit more about why people commit suicide. I obviously can't tell you what was going through his mind, but I wonder now, if there was more to it than just needing to feel loved. Its hard to explain, but there was so much more to it.

A couple months ago, I went in to see my new dr. to get a 2nd opinion on my health. He had recently turned from urgent care to family medicine and I trusted him, so we switched. He knows my history  and my family well. So he helped me through so much more than just the cough. We decided to get me back on some anxiety meds for a short time, to help me get through this rough patch. We tried a new one, (old ones produced bad results). This one also began to produce negative results. I could tell  that I was changing in a negative way, even after a week. I began seeing the signs of the previous meds, that turned bad quickly) so I immediately stopped taking them.  He had also given me some "as needed" meds to take while the other one was building up in my system. 

One day, Caleb found them and took a handful of them. A poison control call, a day in the ER and a CPS visit later... I was a wreck. One more thing that was out of control in my life. Have you ever had CPS visit? Though these ones were super nice, I would wish that on my worst enemy. Seriously! Waiting to see if you will be able to see your kinds the next morning. Is this one little moment going to change your life forever. It is horrifying! Thank heavens, we passed and they ruled it an accident. 

Thanksgiving came, and it was wonderful. A little step back from my every day stress. I was able to put it aside for a moment and enjoy Trever's family that was in town. I love and adore my in laws. They focus their conversation on building instead of tearing down. They are so kind and generous. They love each other and they show it!  I was sad to miss out on a few fun things because of a wedding commitment that I needed to finish up. I wasn't able to do both, physically. 

After Thanksgiving, I started to really push my tamale sales. This was one thing in my life that I could control. I enjoy the rush I get when the orders start piling in. It is exciting to have so many people want your product. This year, I didn't get that rush as much. This time I felt more and more pressure. I needed to control something so bad in my life that I actually turned it into the opposite. I allowed all of those orders to control me. I began to feel like I had to do it for the money. We needed that money. I put all of the pressure on myself. I watched the holidays approach and I was bitter. I couldn't enjoy them, because I had so much to do. Wanted control so bad, that I created this life of victimhood, where I let everything control me. I began hating life, hating my situation and hating myself. 

I had a huge even that was a big success and then was able to do a day  trip with my daughter, mom, sister-in law and niece. My last little bit of fun before the big rush of orders came in. I came back from Vacation, and it was go time. I immediately fell into a dark place. The stress of the next two weeks was daunting. I had so much to do around the house, to get ready to start cooking. I had a pile of dishes and stuff from the event, that I never took care of. The "put away" piles were taking over the house, and the "to do" list was growing. 

We were on our way to my kids Christmas Concert. I had been having many suicidal thoughts all day. I was done. I was sick of fighting. My husband offered for me to stay home, so I didnt have to stress the concert. I told him, I had to go or I would be dead before he got home. I think it shocked him a little bit. Not knowing what game I was trying to play. I was crying out for help, because I was scared I would follow through with it. I was rude to him in the car and he stood up for himself. (Im proud of him for doing so, I was being mean and I knew it.) I immediately realized how much damage I was causing to my family, so I got out of the car and walked home. Crying, contemplating... See I often have had thoughts of suicide, but was confident I would never follow through with it. I hate pain! This time, I had come up with some less painful ways, and that scared me. The logic still lingering in the background, was fear that I would actually follow through with it. 

I sat down at our computer and looked up the suicide hotline. Hoping someone would talk me out of what I wanted to do so desperately. I was desperate For change. So badly enough that I wanted to end my life. My pain was so real, and yet, such an out of body experience. I kept seeing my friends pain and tears as she dealt with her sons suicide. A few months ago. Knowing what she went through, helped me cling to the last bit of strength I had left. It took everything in me to avoid the medicine cabinet. I knew that if I went in there, it would all be over. Which was a desirable outcome and a dreaded outcome at the same time. I have never felt so conflicted and irrational in my life. It was scary. 

My phone rang and it was my dad. I answered and told him what I wanted to do. I was scared that I would actually do it. Everything he said, didn't change my mind. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to follow through. I was in the middle of a huge panic attack and getting worse. He could tell that I was serious and talking was not making things better, he called Trever and my bishop, and they all came racing over.

I began to be embarassed! Which made me want to run and get it over with before they arrived. I was so terrified for my life and yet had no desire to continue living. I had these men, whom I love, all trying to talk to me. They were scared for me. They tried so hard to talk me "off the ledge". I didn't care. It seemed that the more they tried, the more convinced I was, that I didn't want to face another day. They my bishop got down to my eye level and told me to look at him. I looked into his eyes and felt peace. For that small moment, I felt love and peace. 

For a short time, I forgot about ending my life. My dad called my Uncle, who is also my dr. He said he wanted to see me. We drove over to his house. Me crying and rocking in panick the whole way. My uncle has the ability to just look at me, and I feel better. He radiates so much compassion and love. He has randomly been there for me in some of my darkest moments in my life. I knew that he would help me gain a little bit more strength and courage to make it one more day. Part of me was afraid that he could actually talk me out of it. And he did. He helped me hang on a little longer. He was so understanding and so loving. He knew what to say, what to do.

The next day, my dad came and got me so that Trever could got to work. He made sure I was ok and took good care of me. When It was time to go home that night, I panicked again. It all started flooding back. It hit hard and hit fast. I felt so trapped at home. I couldn't go home to all of those reminders. I walked outside and the panic grew. I had to end it now! I started waling towards the street. Hoping that a passing car would do the job quickly. Then that little voice came in... "What about the driver? What about his pain and guilt after he hits me. Its not his fault..." So I kept walking and contemplating. I mustered up enough strength to go back to my dads and i just sat and cried on the bumper of the van. I felt like nothing in my life would ever change. I was destined to fail the rest of my life. Even my successes looked like failures. I was unable to see anything positive in my life. I had hit rock bottom and felt helpless. 

Trever and I decided to stay the night there, and get some rest. I was able to face the new day with a little more confidence. My dad took care of me again, so Trever could work. 

As the days passed, I seemed to get more and more life back in me. I was able to the bigger picture a little more each day and feel a little less overwhelmed. Then Sunday came...

The choir was singing a few numbers for Christmas. I decided to go up and sing with them. We sang a song called Peace Peace Peace. The words began to speak to me. Peace, I wanted peace so desperately. I plead with the Lord as I sang, the fill me with peace. I felt it!!!  Then the thought came... "I almost missed this!" 

I decided, that I was going to stop trying to fix and control everything. I had a few days before Christmas and I needed to relax and enjoy it. 

As I began to let go of those ropes I had held on to so tightly, I began to see miracles pour from the heavens. Things that I tried to make happen, began to finally happen, because I was letting God handle it. He is so much better at getting things accomplished than I am. Gifts showed up on our doorstep, selfless acts of service etc. things that helped ease stress and bring in the holiday spirit into my life again. 

Christmas was a blessed day. I sat there watching my family, again thinking... I almost missed this. 

Yesterday in Relief society, we had an amazing lesson, taken fro Elder Scotts conference talk this last conference. He talked about ways to find that buoyant peace, that I so desperately desired. Things that I have taken for granted the last couple years. Simple things, that have renewed my faith and given me strength to keep going. 

Things haven't instantly been made better, but each day I am getting stronger again. I am feeling more confident and less defeated. Im not sure how long it will last. This is something Ive struggled with my whole life. But this time, I have experience. And experience I never want to return to. I also know what I almost missed out on. And I don't ever want to miss out on these moments!