October 5

It has been an amazing week this week.  I was able to do some cupcake classes and a cooking class, for kids. They really enjoyed it, I enjoyed it too!

I have another week full of classes. I am hoping they fill up. Right now, they aren't as full as I would like, but should still be fun.  

The kids are all on Fall break this week.  I'm excited to have a little fun with them. My temperament is not fabulous right now, so I pray that I can stay calm and happy, and enjoy them, instead of being a mean mom all week.  Say a little prayer for me :)

I had a great session with my therapist this week.  I started seeing him to help with my PTSD of delivery with Caleb.  We took care of that pretty quick and have had some big breakthroughs since as well.  I am finding more and more about myself through the process.  I am normally an introvert, when it comes to going outside my little comfort zone.  It takes a lot, to get me to go to others houses and to parties and such. Especially if I haven't helped plan it, or I'm not bringing anything to it.  I feel vulnerable in those situations for some reason.  When I'm doing things in my own home or I am the one planning them, I feel more in control. He has been teaching me, that in those moments where I feel vulnerable, are moments when I am usually putting my true self out there to be seen.  I grew up in a house where we put on a perfect front and hid our true selves to others.  As I have been allowing my true self to come out more, I have been able to be more open and honest with others.  I don't have to give excuses for my imperfections as much, and I am not such a victim anymore.  Life is so much sweeter this way.  They other day, I had a friend over, and I was opening up to her about a few things. Then apologized for it.  She said, "That's what I love about you... you are real." Wow, I've never ever felt "real" in my whole life.  It was an emotional boost, to allow myself to be put out there a little more. I decided to try it, when I taught my lesson a couple weeks ago.  I taught totally differently than before, It was really cool. I felt much more connected to reality and to the class, when I didn't have a wall up, hiding my imperfections.  

I had an awesome moment tonight.  There is a family on my street who's records showed up a few months ago.  I was really scared/embarrassed to go introduce myself since we have lived here so long.  I have been wanting to meet my neighbors since we moved in. I was on bed-rest for the first couple weeks, then ended up in the hospital. By the time I was recovered, we had lived there about 6 months. I was embarrassed to go introduce myself. I kept putting it off. Since we have had the missionaries in our home so much more the past 6 months or so, I have been slowly gaining a testimony of missionary work.  And just being a good neighbor. They have been such an example to me, of true friendship and discipleship. I made some extra tamales this week and decided to take them over to the neighbors and introduce myself.  

I was nervous, to put myself out there, but I did it!!! I said a little prayer, asking God to help me find the words to say and to be able to ask them about their membership in the church. I met the husband. He was super nice. Thanked me for the tamales,  We talked a lot about church and family. We have a few connections to each other. It was cool to find some common ground.  He and his wife lived in Thatcher and went to EAC. Small world.  He said that they had been thinking about coming back to church. They have gone a couple times with his sister in law, who lives across the main road from us. 

I felt so accomplished having gone over there. I know it really is not that big of a deal, but for me it was.  I put my vulnerable side out there for a stranger to see.  Instead of coming across like a perfect little molly Mormon, I was just me.  Our conversation wasn't staged or rehearsed,  It was real.  I wasn't a victim. I was confident, and compassionate. It felt so good.  I hope and pray that as I keep allowing myself to engage in moments like this, that it will soon replace the victim and the perfectionist inside of me. That the real me will start to shine through.  

The more I work through things like this, the less anxiety I have. I don't have to worry so much about what other think of me. I'm able to just, be me. 

I've also worked hard on saying no.  Things that I would normally take on, out of guilt or desire to control things and be in the spotlight, I have been able to decline taking on.  And not as a victim either.  Confidently saying, I know I won't be able to give it my full attention, because of what I already have on my plate, so I need to pass.  Before, I would take things on, and then complain about them, because I have to do them. I'm working on just not putting myself in that situation any more.  

Life is good! Yes, it is rocky right now, and that's ok.  God is good.  He blesses us more than we deserve.