Baby Steps

Another first has come our way. Caleb took his first steps tonight! It is bitter sweet, because each of his firsts are my lasts. At least until I have grandkids. I soak up every minute of it that I can. I love this stage. He is so much fun. I was thinking back on all of my babies first steps tonight. Each of them were so fun to be a part of. Im so thankful that I am alive, to see it happen. He gets so proud of himself as he sees us cheer him on.  I Love it!

This also reminded me of my therapy training that I am going through. My homework from my last session was to focus on emotional responsibility. We often hear children say... You make me so mad, or he made me do this. Children see their parents angry and they cannot separate yet, the difference and begin to feel that it must be because of them. That reasoning hasn't developed yet. But as an adult, we have that reasoning in some form or another. If someone bumped into us in the hallway and started to yell at us, we wouldn't cower in fear and tell ourselves we are horrible people because we bumped into them. We wouldn't let it define us... We would probably look at the guy and think... "What a jerk." Or "Get a life dude." Sometimes though, when we are stuck in that unhealthy dance that we have been doing since we were kids, we begin to think that we are bad people because they are angry so it must be at me. 

Part of having emotional responsibility, is recognizing the difference. Thats their problem, not mine. I need to quit saying things like "you made me" or "that makes me" or even "well its because you..."  I am learning that my whole life, I learned to blame others for my actions. For my thoughts. For my feelings. I reallly never took full responsibility for my actions. When we say things like these phrases to our kids, it teaches them that we have no control over our feelings. I have learned to let people tell me how to feel, by their actions or words... Instead of just choosing how I want to feel and not running or hiding from that choice.  It has been a cool process for me, as I have begun to see a different side of life. The victim in me is leaving and the owner in me is wanting to stay more often. Its awesome! 

It has been a process for sure. It doesn't happen over night. The first week or so I hardly even recognized when That I was doing it. Then I began to see it a little more, but way after I did it. Now I am beginning to catch myself just after it pops out of my mouth. Eventually Ill be able to catch myself before I say it. Then Ill be able to replace it with correct verbiage, like "I feel" or "i would like" etc. the key is, to celebrate the little changes, the little victories. 

Back to the baby steps... When a baby takes his first step then falls to the floor, we don't yell at him or belittle him for falling down... We celebrate the little victories. No matter how small, they are still better than before... So therefore, victories! I am trying to do better at treating myself, my children and my husband this way. Growth and change, takes time. But each little victory, makes you that much stronger, for the big ones.

I have been working hard on being candid and honest about my feelings while I blog. This is my journal. If I cant be honest to myself, then I cant be honest to anyone. I have really appreciated your comments about my posts and how you appreciate my honesty and such. I have learned from so many of you, that I am normal! So many people are going through similar things, and feel similar things as I do. Ive learned in the past, to hide my true feelings, to blame, to shift the entire scenario, so that I am not seen as weak. And yet as I did that... I looked and more importantly felt, weak. Now that I have decided to be more of an open book, and let people see the real me...all of the disturbing, and beautiful details...i have found strength. I have found that people are cheering me on and encouraging me. I don't feel as defeated anymore. 

Emotional responsibility is an amazing concept, that I never understood until recently. And I am still learning to understand. It is hard to admit something without putting some sort of spin on it to make it someone else fault. 

Life is becoming so beautiful and sweet to me now. I am not shoving others away as much any more. I have destroyed so many relationships in the past, because I was too stubborn and prideful to stick around. I am beginning to see that there really is no one that is perfect, and that is completely ok. Because perfect, isn't without flaws, it is being whole, complete and matured. Those things require a process. We are all just in this process together.