Last week was Trever's little brother's birthday. He would have turned 20 years old this year. He passed away as a little boy. I wanted to make a special cake for Tanner's birthday this year. We try to celebrate it every year, as if he was still with us. I had an idea, to ask each of Trever's family members what their favorite memories of Tanner were and then I would try to put them on the cake. Trever and I had such a good time working on it. It was a great way for me to learn more about him and connect with him a little bit. It was also a great way for Trever to process. Sometimes, March 16th is a tough day for him. This year, we were able to focus on the blessing of his life, as short as it was. He was a blessing to this family. I wish I could have had the honor of knowing him. Though I know he is never very far.
I hope it's ok with everyone that I share what this cake means to us. I hesitate to share, because I don't want to take away from its sacredness to Trever and his family. But I also want to have it written down for posterity sake.
Tanner loved Teddy bears. He also loved his rose garden. Trever has a picture of Tanner holding a hose, watering his little garden. He also has a picture of him holding Tanner in line for the Dumbo rides. He had a toy basketball hoop and loved to play with all sorts of balls. We like to let off balloons for him on his birthday. That was my "memory" that I wanted to add in. He would also be serving his mission right now. (Elder badge). The crib in the front has a toy on it that looks like the one Tanner used to play with. He also loved olives. (I'm especially proud of those. They are made out of modeling chocolate but look like the real deal.) We often enjoy doing a "Tanner Toast" when we eat olives. We put them on our fingers like he did, and make a toast. The sayings on the cake are ones he would say often. His tombstone, it says "our present" on it.
We had such a special time working on this cake. I really felt connected to him while we were working on it. It was a sweat experience for us.
Tomorrow is my sweet nephew's birthday. He is also, no longer with us, He only lived a few short minutes. I wanted to make a cake for his family, to celebrate their little angel in Heaven. I know its unorthodox to make cakes for someone who is no longer with us, but for some reason I have just felt driven to make them. It is something fun and special that can help us celebrate and remember. Part of me hesitates even doing something like this, because of its sensitive nature. And I hope that I am never offensive of any of it. I just feel like our loved ones want us to remember the good and celebrate it. They are happily watching over us and want us to be happy too.
This cake for my nephew Joseph was also a sweet one for me to make. I really have felt connected to him tonight. I've felt him close as I have tried to honor him. I cherish the few moments I had in the hospital room with his loving family all around. I was able to hold him and feel of his sweet spirit that surrounded that hospital room. I'm thankful that his parents were willing to share that experience with us. With me.
It is also my dad's birthday. Joseph was born on his birthday and carries my dad's name as his middle name.
I've felt so blessed as I have been able to share my talents with others. I have enjoyed learning new skills and trying out new techniques with my cakes. I get to do 4 wedding cakes in the next month and a half. I'm nervous but excited!
I had another appointment with my counselor yesterday. Wow, each session becomes more and more amazing. I'm pretty sure I wrote, that my PTSD is completely gone, because of this amazing trauma therapy that he does called EMDR.
Yesterday as we talked I was able to process a few things which then led to my abuse as a child. I didn't want to go there, because I was sick and tired of spending counseling sessions on it. (I have been going to counseling since I was a teenager for it.) I knew, however that there was some trauma still there that I hadn't been able to let go of. So my psychologist asked if that was something that I felt like I could handle working on. I decided to go for it, hoping that I would finally be able to let it all go and be over it. I was sick of feeling like I felt as a child. Broken, used, and abused. I let it define me. Be a part of me in a negative way.
The amazing thing about this therapy is that you are able to let your brain go where ever it wants to go. Just letting the images pass through. Sometimes they are memories, sometimes they are what we wish would have happened. Without going into sensitive detail... we were able to take something completely horrifying and turned it into a sweet and sacred experience. With the retraining that this therapy does, my memories literally changed. I have two memories of the event now. One is of the tragedy, which is now desensitized to me. I know that I felt what I felt, but I don't feel it now. I'm able to think and talk about the experience without reverting to the feelings and anxiety that I felt then. I'm able to live completely in the present with it now. The new memory I have is one that my mind naturally created as I processed it. I guess it is how I wish it could have happened. I now see it as the time that Jesus came in and scooped me up and held me. he told me that I was not broken. I was ok, I was loved. I am now able to look at that experience and confidently feel loved about it, instead of the scum of the earth. It is amazing how powerful our minds are. I think about that experience now, and I smile. I am amazed at how this therapy works and is able to help me heal. not to just desensitize, but to turn the experience into a positive one.
I know it may sound weird and/or even creepy. But look up the therapy. It's not some wacky voodoo stuff. Its a real scientific therapy. It's amazing what modern medicine can do.
For all of my Accreta friends dealing with PTSD... look into EMDR therapy. It will help a ton!
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