When I was a small child, I was molested by an adopted uncle. I let it define who I was. Everything I did "wrong" in life, was because of that single incident where some jerk took advantage of me. Every bad day, every negative emotion, every unkind word to a sibling was because of that terrible event. I felt broken, helpless, hopeless. I felt like my single chance at happiness was destroyed the day that creep walked into my life. And I blamed him my whole life for my misery. My parents blamed him my whole life for my misery. The entire family blamed him and his two brothers for the "damage" they caused to our family. Instead of just realizing that he was a jerk that took advantage of a little girl, we had to blame. I always wondered who I would have been if i hadn't been molested. It had defined me so much, that I knew I would have been an incredibly amazing person, if only it hadn't happened to me. The truth was... I was always an amazing person. I just let hatred and blame get in the way. It took me years of counseling and a few years of treating my husband as the perpetrator that I "knew" he was, to realize... It was all in my head. It wasn't real!!! All of the garbage I had put myself through over the years, wasn't real. My last counselor looked at me and basically said, the guy was a jerk. He did something terrible to you, but thats it. Move on. It hit me like a ton of bricks. You mean, that I am still the same person inside whether that happened to me or not? Im not talking about how it made me a wiser person or anything... Im talking about the real me. The true me...was not dead. I did not die, the moment that he took advantage of me. I was still in there.
I talked about my concerns for family members last week. This is the same concern I have for them.... I see the real them inside, and I see the person who has let their past define them. Ive been there. I know what it looks and feels like. Its horrible! There is so much more to life than letting your past define you. To tag you as a victim. You are not a victim! Our past can either define us or change us. It is our choice to decide what we will allow it to do. We can tag ourselves as victims and broken, or we can learn and grow from it and let those experiences strengthen us. Despite allegations from others, I don't hate anyone. I cant even fathom hating anyone. I love and care for them so much that I want them to find the truth that I have found over the last few months. This last year has been so horrible and yet such a growing experience for me. It has opened the doors for change to happen. Ive learned that I don't have to be a victim or a martyr anymore. The Lord called all of the martyrs that he needed way back in the pre-existance. And until he tells me otherwise, Im not one of them. When you find something so amazing as this, when you feel as free I do... You want everyone to feel it. I want to share it with the world. Especially with those I love. Some have expressed their desire to remain a slave to victimhood. Im not here to change anyone. Im here to share what I have learned... To process and ramble to the great unknown. For my ability to heal through down my thoughts as they come. I love my family, every single family member. I really do. Im not just saying that to maintain relationships. I don't love them because I want to change them. I love them because they are family.
After many, many years of fighting against truths that were right in front of me... Ive learned to let go and allow God to change me. To heal me. I have scars from surgery. Up until a few months ago, I saw my scars as a symbol of someone who wasn't strong enough. Someone who couldn't make the cut. (No pun intended. Lol) Someone who was broken. I was disgusted by it. I would get sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Trever kept saying how much he loved it. I thought he was full of bologna. Seriously who could love that? Then he reminded me of how much I loved HIS scar. (He has a large scar on the side of his head in a horseshoe shape, from a surgery as a child.) I often run my fingers up and down his scar, memorizing every bump, dent and curve. It is a symbol of ultimate mercy to me. Of a loving father in Heaven who protected this young boy and let him live so that he could be mine someday. To me, he isn't broken. He is whole. His scar reminds me of the miracles that God had performed, through the doctors to save his life. The surgery they performed, saved his life. The blessing of modern medicine, saved his life. He helped me see and feel the same way about myself. Scars are the bodies way of healing itself. Had it not been for the miracles of God, knowledgeable doctors and modern medicine,,, .i would not be alive today. Im not broken because I had Accreta, but I did heal from Accreta! I am beginning to see myself differently. Im not broken!!
I am healing from my anxiety. Not only my PTSD, but all anxiety. I began to realize that I can be a victim and give in to the control of anxiety, or stand up and fight against it. I always got the concept, but never realized just how much power I had to change the pattern. I was blessed to learn to reach out when I was in the middle of a panic attack and God would instantly calm me. He has given me courage and power to change. To let go of the strings that I had allowed to hold me hostage, and to take control of my life. I have been able to have strength and courage to turn the fear and anxiety over to God. A very huge blessing!
We have been blessed. Emotionally, spiritually and physically, I am a new person!
Financially, we are being very blessed as well. Our business has recovered from the drought we faced early on last year. We went from tree trimming and lawn maintenance to strictly designs and installations. Trever is a guy in demand now. Whereas before, he was just another guy with a lawn mower. Yesterday, we weren't quite sure where the week would take us. He had bids out there, but many were on hold for one reason or another. He finished a job last thursday and had a smaller job that will finish tomorrow. This morning he received an email from a customer who accepted his bid and wants to get started right away. While on the phone with that customer, another customer called in, ready to go on the next phase of his yard. What a huge blessing. We were finally getting caught up with bills and even caught up on little things that needed done. I was worried we would get behind again, with little work this week. the Lord is watching over us and blessing us. I feel like the blessings of heaven have been truly "poured out upon us" the last couple of months.
My girls are getting healthy again. Caleb is growing and hitting milestones right on time. Being a preemie, we were concerned for him, but he is right on target. He is healthy and happy. We are becoming closer as a family. We have decided to break the traditions and become a celestial family. We do not need to follow in my parents path or my grandparents path. My mom always told me that my brother and I were the ones who were here to "cleanse the bloodline". To "break the traditions of our fathers" and to bring healing to our family. Im no Savior, there is only one Savior. I do know however, that life is so much sweeter for me now than it ever has been. If what I'm going through is "breaking through" it... Then awesome, but if not... Its still awesome. God has changed me and I am so grateful for that tender mercy!
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