Here is the general concept... It takes everyone contributing to make out house function. If one person doesn't contribute, then someone else has to pick up the slack. When we work together, the house is a well oiled machine. This program allows the kids to make choices about how and when they want to contribute. In turn, teaching them to see things that need to be done and offer their help. It really works! I love it. It also takes the pressure off mom, to constantly nag the kids to get their chores done. My house runs so much more smooth lately, and my stress level is significantly lower! Here is the catch... You need to keep your mouth shut for this to work! Keep it shut! Only positive words out of your mouth all week long. The consequences will take care of themselves, in turn making you the good guy! No more blaming mom because she wont let me do what I want. Sold yet? Keep reading, it gets better.
Here is how it works. Ill try to explain as plain as possible, so I don't confuse anyone. You can cater this to any age or grade level. Create your "cards" to cater to your families needs and likes.
You will need- poster board (or a nicer cork board etc) sandwich baggies (1 per child and one for mommy/daddy) marker, glue, tape and colored index cards. One color for each child. Here is what mine looks like. I did two bags for each child and it was pointless. I also suggest laminating the cards. They get worn out very quickly.
There are 3 sets of cards. Each set has 4 cards in it. (The contribution cards have 6 in my house. I felt it was better for our family function)
Upgrades- these are cards that are big rewards. I should say, big rewards in a small way. Don't go overkill on these as to break your budget or add more stress to you. Kids are easily thrilled by little things. Upgrades for our house include
-Soda or drink with a meal- no more asking you for juice or soda for every meal. And you arent the bad guy for constantly telling them no. It limits their sugar intake and still gives them a special treat. I even switch it up and buy popsicles or something for them to use their card on. Dont stress about the sugar. If you really worry, then use fresh fruit juice, or find something they like even better.
-Mommy or daddy help with todays contribution(s) (we usually just help with one)
-30 min of movie or game time (I let them do this on my tablet so the others don't get a freebie)
-Stay up 30 min late (I had to switch this one to weekends and summer vacation. I need my mommy time during the week and they need their sleep)
There is also 2 extra upgrades that I pass out at the beginning of each week to the individual(s) who went above and beyond the previous week. (Encouraging them to look around for things or people that need help) if we have had a particularly rough week, I wont give them out at all. But be careful with taking away, with this program. Do it wisely. You dont want to discourage them and make them resent it. Positive is the key! But, at the same time... Dont give them something they didnt earn, or they will never understand the concept of truly contributing.
I only label them "upgrade." they get to choose what they want to spend them on. These cards are very special privileges that need to be earned. They are attached to the contribution cards. The first week, they get them for free. The next week, they only get as many upgrades as they did contributions. So if they did 2 contributions the previous week, then they only get 2 upgrades the next week. Then if the next week, they didnt finish all of their contributions again... They dont get any upgrades until after they have finished all of their contributions. They do not earn ANY cards during the week. They only get them at the beginning of the next week. Kind of like payday.
So, to paint the picture for you... On the week of feb 2nd, Johnny only finished two contributions. So for the week of Feb 9th he only gets 2 upgrades. (Along with all new cards for the other 2 categories.) then that week he only did 3 contributions. So the week of the 16th, he doesnt get any upgrades. He decided , that wasnt very fun, so he wanted to get his contributions done. He finished them all by wednesday. He will now receive all of his upgrades, but will not get them until that sunday (or whatever day you choose to start the weeks cards over.) he is now back to a clean slate and you start the process over again,if he decides not to do them all. They are learning. They will have rough weeks. We have rough weeks as adults. Be kind, yet firm. Stick to the boundaries set. If something needs to change, establish the new boundaries (apologize if needed) then set back and let it happen again.
Option cards- these cards are centered around one on one time with a parent. These are usually the things the kids fight over. You know... When they all want to help with dinner at the same time! This helps me limit my time to one on one. It takes the pressure off of me to let all of the kids do it all together. So find what your kids really like and put it on these cards. Only one child can use these cards at a time. It takes the guilt and pressure off you. You are no longer the bad guy for only wanting to take one person to the store with you. No more... "She got to go last time". The cards do all the work. Mommy is now the hero! Here is our list.
-Tag along (tag along with mommy or daddy on an errand. )
-10 minute snuggle/reading time with mommy or daddy
-Sit by caleb in the van (my kids are too little to sit in the front seat, which is what most kids fight over, but they do love to sit as close to the front as possible) it is a coveted spot, because they get to be our big helper while going out as a family.
-Help with dinner
Here is a picture of my kids cards.
These cards, they will get each week. They do not need to spend them, but they also don't need to earn them. They are things that help us bond with our children and strengthen our relationship with them. Take time to enjoy these moments with them when they want to use their card. (Sometimes easier said than done. ) just remember, they are coming to you, asking to spend time with you. They love you and want to be near you.
Contributions (she calls them functions, but I liked contributions better)
Take out trash
Family room
Living room
Bathroom
Sweep kitchen floor
Empty dishwasher
These rooms are hotspots in our house that I have a hard time keeping up with. Things that I need extra help with. Remember, that each child's version of "clean" is different. Teach them what clean looks like. But don't expect perfection. Especially with the little ones. For you OCD ones out there like me... Let it go. It is better than it was. Just keep telling yourself that. It is better than it was. Encourage more and more perfection if you will, as they get older, but remember... Rome wasn't built in a day. Pardon the cliche. A child's job in life, is to learn how to be an adult. It is a learning process. Be patient and set your OCD aside for the greater good. You can finish the job after they are in bed. Or you can also work with them if you really cant let go. But DON'T do it all for them! It may feel like you are doing it all for the little ones, but as long as they are helping in some form or another... They are grasping the concept.
I let my 3 year old just pick up the toys or the trash or a certain number of things (practicing counting) the 7 and 9 year olds know that they need to do the floor, vacuum and vacuum the edges with the hose. Also, for the 3 year old, I have her trash card be used to empty the little trash cans throughout the house. (Bathrooms, etc) this is a chore that caters to her age and abilities more. For the super little ones, like my 2 year old... Try things like, play with baby brother, or help pick up toys, or help get baby dressed etc. Becca loves to help take the laundry out of the dryer and throw diapers away when Im changing Caleb. Anything that encourages them to help. You can also make up cards with pictures on them for those that don't read. I haven't done that part yet, but Kaylee has picked up on a few letters and knows what each room's card looks like now.
Get out of jail free- this is a great card. It is one that allows the children to work with you on a punishment. For instance, if Johnny colored on the walls and is sent to his room. He can say, can I use my get out of jail free card? You may just want him in his room, so you can say no. Or you can come together with him and say yes, and then work together on another way to make up for his actions. Maybe scrubbing the wall or whatever. It doesn't have to be a huge consequence, but just a little something that can allow him to feel like he made things right again.
Rules for the game- (it really is a game. I pitched it to my kids in the form of a game and they liked the idea even more!)
-Only one person may use a card at a time. Johnny cant use his trash card right after Sarah took it out. No freebies that way.
- Mommy and Daddy get veto power on any card. If you don't want them to use it, they don't get to use it. Beware of the dictator mentality on this one though, if they feel like they don't have any choices... They will not respond well to the contributing to the family. Keep it happy and positive. Use your veto power with disgression.
- the kids can spend their cards whenever they want. If they have upgrade cards that week, then they can spend them whenever they want. (Not just when their contributions are done.) let them make the choice of what they want to do and when to do it. This is where your mouth needs to stay shut. When they have choices... They will want to make them.
-Only 1 upgrade card can be spent each day. (For a total of 4 days) this teaches them to spend wisely. You will see them start to plan ahead on how and when they want to use it. Although,Ii do tell them that they need to ask me the day of. Each day is so different, I don't want to try to remember when they want to use which card for which thing.
- only a maximum of 2 contributions can be used each day. This keeps them from stockpiling them for the last day and doing it all at once. Spreading it out encourage positive habits. They dont have to do something each day, but for those that are procrastinators, this helps them to learn time management.
- cards are not transferable- often times, one person who didn't earn their upgrade cards will be sad as they watch the others using their upgrade card for a treat. Someone will ask if they can spend their upgrade for their sibling. Super sweet huh? But, the problem with this is that if you allow that to happen, then the natural consequences aren't able to work. As heartbreaking as it is... They need to have those moments of watching the others enjoying the fruits of their labors. All it takes is one time. (Sometimes more for the stubborn ones) for them to miss out on their upgrade privileges and they will act differently so that they don't miss out again. Makes sense? It is better for them to learn consequences over a soda, than later on in life over getting fired or something else.
Extra upgrade- If they have this card, i let them use it to do two upgrades in one day.(the extra one and one other. ) Or they can save it and use it on a fifth day instead.
- upgrades do not roll over. They need to spend it or loose it. (We tried the stacking up and rolling over thing... It was more of a hassle than it was worth. Plus, it didn't motivate them to keep up on contributions because they had some upgrades in their stockpile. Each week starts with a clean slate.
- they have to ask before using a card. They also have to have you pass off a chore before putting their card into your baggie. As soon as they spend a card, they need to put it into your bag.
Mommy's notes-
The first week to a couple of weeks the kids were ex-tactic about the upgrades. Especially the soda for the meal. They didn't care about the consequences as much. Each kid had their own favorite upgrade. You will begin to see where their passion is, through these cards. Its awesome. Some use their cards to have a treat every day. An other child really enjoys staying up late or watching a movie. Another likes to do a little of everything each week. Let them get it all out. They will start to understand the benefits of the contributions after a weeks or so, when they don't get any upgrades because they didn't contribute. Again, keep your mouth shut and let the natural consequences follow. They will begin to take responsibility for their actions and be self motivated to help out. There is a learning curve. Let it fall into place. Give it at least two months of sticking to it, before you decide it isn't for you.
Make it fun for them. Set up the boundaries at the very beginning and let everything else fall into place on its own. Less stress for you and more time for you to focus on them in a positive way. Encourage them, praise them. When they have a rough week and didn't finish their contributions, be sad with them. Its a bummer when we make sad choices and don't get to participate in the fun. Be firm, but loving. The first couple of weeks is the hardest. Especially if you are a mommy that cant tell your kids no. The best part is, you set up the boundaries in the beginning, so now it is their responsibility to fulfill it, if they want the benefits. It takes the pressure and blame off of you and you are able to sit back and watch them learn and grow. You will literally see them turning into little responsible adults!
Making dinner... My older one, i let help with the menu and shopping etc. (when time and energy allows) I let her pretty much plan and cook it all by herself. I'm there if she needs anything. They thrive on that ability to act more like an adult. It doesn't hurt that it is teaching them how to become an adult and teaching them skills they will need to know later on in life.
I have found that sometimes the kids will ask me if they can do a contribution and they they sit on it and don't get it done. When this happens, i will remind them or encourage them to get it done. Sometimes there is another sibling that wanted to do it, so i will ask if they changed their mind and want me to let the other sibling do it. If it is a continuous problem then I will tell them that they now need to finish the chore and they cant use their card for it. They will have to use the card again later on in the week. If you have chores piling up, and its later in the week, you can also tell them that you need them to take out the trash or whatever it is....and they wont be able to use their card for it. On the other hand if they have been good helpers and maybe already done their two cards for the day, but you really need the trash taken out. Then you can tell them, you need them to take out the trash and they can use their card. You will find that they are so much more willing to help out on occasions where you need a little extra help, because they were given so many choices. When they feel trapped, they will shut down and resist. When they have choices and are able to freely make them, they are willing to serve and contribute to the needs of the family.
Set boundaries and let them govern themselves. That is how God does it for us doesn't he?
At first I let chores go, that needed to be done, so that the kids would have a chance to do them when they got home. I stopped doing my every day stuff, so they would have a chance. Now, i just do my thing and let them realize, "if I don't jump on this, mom is going to do it and I wont get the chance"
My customer said that she set up a half hour window in the morning and in the afternoon that was the kids time. It was their time to "make good choices" (code for get your chores done. Lol) this was her gentle reminder without nagging. So, every morning from 6-6:30 it was their time to make good choices. At 6:30, she needed to get started with the day, and they needed to get ready for school. If they didn't carry their weight that morning, then she would have to pick up the slack. (Be careful not to make yourself a victim and shame them by telling them that they didn't do it, so now you have to. ) then they would have their time after school from 4-4:30. At 4:30 she needed to get going with dinner and get started on the nightly routine. I'm not a morning person, so I'm not that put together. But they have learned that "if I dint get something done before school, then mom is going to do it while Im gone."
Be patient. Remember that they are in training. Be forgiving and understanding. Yet firm and confident.
Cater your cards to your kids. Ask them what motivates them. make them age appropriate. You will be shocked at some of the things that they like. You will see their personalities come out through this and their confidence grow. My kids have become so much more polite. They say, mom may I use my card to do this chore, or to use this option card etc... Then I reply with yes you may. It has really changed the way we do things around here. We are still working out the bugs. And I'm learning to do my part, instead of shove it all on them. But life is so much calmer now. And happier.
The little ones are so eager to help. Don't count them out on this one. Make up simple chores for them. Even if they cant talk, they can usually understand.
Also, I don't let my kids do their contributions on Sunday. It started out, because I was sick of them waiting till the last minute, but then I found that it just separates the days even better. It keeps the Sabbath different from every other day of the week. I do let them use their upgrades or one on one time cards that day, if they have them left. We focus more on working together to keep things picked up on Sundays, instead of individual chores.
Try not to remind them to do their contributions. Let them govern themselves. Sometimes, opening the dishwasher, so they see it is full or something, will help remind them without you actually telling them to do it. It takes time, but as they face the natural consequences of going outside the boundaries set, they will realize that they need to rethink their game plan. For my little ones, especially my 3 year old (2 year old doesn't have cards yet... She just helps where I need it) I will ask her what cards she has and which one she would like to do today. (If I see her, forgetting to do them.) little ones don't have the cognitive reasoning quite yet, so they need a little more than the older kids do.
If you have any questions, or would like me to even come show you the ropes feel free to ask..... It is a lot of info. I hope it makes sense. I would love to hear how this works for your family. It has done wonders for us. My kids literally beg to do chores now. Its a fun competition to see who can ask permission first.
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