Since it is Jennie's blog with parts about accreta, I'll try to stay focused on the subject matter. By the way, cheesy I know, but Jennie is by far my favorite subject.
Some day I hope to include a more detailed description of my experience when Jennie was in the hospital and when Caleb was delivered. It is hard. Feelings are still fresh. Vulnerable emotions are close to the surface. Sometimes, time is like a lever and something heavy. The further we get from what happened, the easier it is to be born.
Feb 28th last year, I dropped my children off at my in-laws' thinking that they might not ever see their mom in this life again. Yup. Still fresh feelings. Is someone cutting onions because I can't even see anymore. That night, we cried a lot. Because I had so much time to anticipate the possibilities, I found myself asking the Lord to keep her with me, but if it was not His will, to soften my heart to bear it. Jennie gave me letters she wrote for the girls' important dates. Ok. I might be able to handle writing the rest of the night in a few years...
Fast forward, the next morning Jennie and I went to pre-op and filled out a bunch more paperwork. The doctors said the surgery should be fairly quick and only a few hours long, maybe four. I put on the paper scrubs and she was prepared for surgery. I held her hand down the endless labyrinth of halls to an area where they told me to wait. I kissed her goodbye.
About 30-40 mins later a nurse escorted me back to the operating room. They still weren't ready for me so I waited outside for about an hour. I was so fidgety, I probably looked like Hammy from "Over the Hedge." Finally they let me in and asked me to sit down. Everyone was working quickly. The nice nurse from pre-op showed me where to sit. I said, "hi" to Jennie and she looked at me and seemed to be "there." A little while later, it seemed that everyone's quick work turned to frantic work. As I stroked her hair, Jennie looked at me and a moment later her eyes were darting everywhere. Then she stopped. She froze and blank stared at a random spot in the ceiling. A few moments later Caleb was doing a little muffled cry and he and I were taken out of the room. My heart broke, wondering if she would never see her son. I was excited to see Caleb, but I couldn't focus on him. I must have been the most annoying dad ever. I was trying so hard to be present I think I asked the doctors enough questions that I could have taught a course on premature lung development and the use of surfactant.
I followed Caleb to the NICU and once I knew he was ok, I went with Dave Westover, a dear friend, to the O.R. waiting room to await information from Jennie's doctors. Hours went by and nothing. We had Jennie's iPad and played Wheel of Fortune. My phone went crazy. I couldn't answer it. I mean I could have, but I couldn't. As time went by, we tried to find out what was going on. The waiting room had a TV screen with a bunch of room numbers. Jennie's just said "in surgery." I dreaded every time a doctor would open the doors. I wondered if they changed the TV from "in surgery" if the patient passed. I couldn't get that last look out of my mind.
As it was getting late, I felt bad for Dave staying all day and I wanted to see what happened to Jennie. We went and saw Caleb again. He was doing well for being so tiny. Finally, we went to Jennie's room to see if the nurses had heard anything. They hadn't. I was expecting an intercom page any moment.
Finally, we had the thought of checking with the ICU where she would go for post-op. I picked up the phone to ask the nurse if they had heard anything and he said to give them a few minutes to get her situated, then I could come in. I was so relieved she was alive! That whole time, I would have felt huge comfort in only knowing she had a heart beat.
I don't think I am ready to describe the next parts, but I will when I can.
So! I have an idea that someone is welcome to use and improve. An app for families of patients that lets them see their loved one's heart beat.
Phew! Now on to easier things.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I am grateful to have mine. When Jennie and I were first married, we had a hard time establishing "ourselves." Regardless the sources, we had a bit of friction. When we moved to Utah for school, we started to discover who "we" were. We made friends, learned, struggled, and turned to one another. We covenant that we will give ourselves and receive the other. There is no "in sickness and in health..." No conditions. It is a flat out plain and eternally simple covenant. Jennie has seen me at my worst and darkest. Yet, she saw me. She was told that she should divorce me, that they "knew" that I was the wrong one for her. Yet, she saw ME. I couldn't see me. I was so ashamed as I always had been. I felt like a monster. Yet, she saw me. The next few months my family, myself, and loved ones suffered the consequences of my choices. However, we started to make better choices. We started patterns that have blessed our lives and will continually bless our lives. We moved and began to establish ourselves in San Tan Valley. We have had amazing opportunities to grow. Life is good.
When Jennie got home from the hospital, she would have days where she couldn't stand the drains or catheter, or open wounds etc. I just held her, put my ear to her heart and said, "Yeah, but I still have my Jennie." I have had a scar on my head most of my life. Jennie felt ashamed and is worried about the appearance of her scars. I am so grateful for her scars. Though what they represent reminds me of pain for our family and especially Jennie, she is alive and I still have my Jennie. March 11th, Jennie and I will be married for 10 years going on eternity. We have had a few trials, but we have grown together greatly. At times, we reflect on who we are and who we were. We tell ourselves, "Man, I thought I loved you then," only to realize that our love has grown to be something even greater. I am not anywhere near the man Jennie deserves, but I have eternity to make it up to her. In order to keep sacred what is sacred, I will forgo writing too much more about my feelings for her. Hopefully, it is visible in my actions. And again, I have eternity to make it up to her.
Sorry for the novel.
-Trever
:: Tears :: Love you guys!
ReplyDeleteYou are a great man for Jennie. Don't sell yourself short. We love you both and inspiration to us.
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