Therapy

Life has been horribly rocky the past few weeks. My emotions are all over the place. My anxiety is through the roof. I cant seem to get past it. I need to take my own advice and start doing the things that will help me pull out of it, but it really is easier said than done when its this bad.

We signed Caleb up for an early intervention therapy program to make sure that he is developing the way he should. I have trying to avoid taking him in. I kept telling myself he is ok, because I didn't want to deal with one more thing in my life.  I wanted to be the woman who's baby was born early and would immediately thrive with no complications. I also realized today, I didn't want to deal with one more doctor/ specialist. I could handle our family Dr. because he was part of the old routine, but these new ones... Just meant that accreta issues as we know it, are not over.

I took him down to Cardon's children's hospital for  his evaluation today. They checked his height and weight. 15 lbs now. There were days I wondered if we would ever make it this far. They put a pulse ox on him and blood pressure cuff to check his vitals.  One of them was loose so the monitor went off. My heart jumped! Oh the anxiety that that beeping brings...not good.

The first woman checked his neurological development as well as speech movements, cooing etc. Caleb immediately took to her. He laughed, we are talking huge belly laughs, almost the whole time she worked with him.  He was hungry and tired for the next two therapists, but did really well. They had some concerns about his development. Things that early intervention could really fix.  Like clenching his fists and his stif arms etc. they prescribed physical and occupational therapy to help get him on track. They judge him off his age vs gestational age. They should be completely caught up by 24 months. Caleb is right on track for a few things, but behind in some other ones. So he will start therapy in a few weeks.

Taking him down to the hospital today really brought up some major fears and stress. I really think I have a  lot of post traumatic stress from all of this. I don't know how to cope with a lot of it and thinking about those long months really makes me panic. I decided it was time to take the first step to healing today.or at least the one I have feared the most. I read through my blog tonight. I read the posts the followed surgery. (Lots of typos sorry!) between auto correct and pain meds... Things were a little hazy. But, I did it.

I am physically feeling terrible lately. Probably the stress of the horrible couple of weeks we have had  lately, coupled with my anxiety about today and what emotions it would bring back up. My body gets stiff really easy. My leg and arm aches seem so come less frequently but still painful. I have been feeling some tearing type pains in my incision. Im hoping its just part of the healing process and not over doing it. Im trying so hard to find the right balance in recovery. When to push through the  pain and went to stop because of the pain. Its a horrifying process really. At what point is it going to be too much and I end up back in the hospital. I want to get stronger, I need to be stronger, but the muscle pain is almost unbearable sometimes. It brings me to tears just thinking about the pain Ive been through.

I just keep waiting for it all to be over. The pain to be gone. My energy to be back to normal. Calebs struggles to subside.

Not all days are bad. We have been very blessed, and I  strive daily to find the silver  lining. But today and the past couple of weeks, have been especially hard for me,  Ive had things happen in my life the past couple of weeks emotionally that had me wishing I would not have woken up from
surgery.  I know that sounds selfish and terrible...especially since so many out there, have it so much worse. But if you were going through what we have been through this year... Things not even dealing with surgery and healing... You wold probably feel the same way. Sorry, I don't mean to do that naughty, dangle it out there with out details... Things have just been really rough...Iill leave it at that.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent and cry it out. Ive kind of abandoned the blog and my accreta pals lately. It has been really hard to face my anxiety about everything. Each time I watch another woman go through the process, more and more fears arise. More and more horrible, painful memories surface that are too painful to focus on. The sun will come out tomorrow right?