Lots of Love

It  has been 5 days since the big day. I am just shocked and amazed at this past weeks events. I am so grateful to be alive! I have so much info to share, so ill probably split it up into some manageable posts.

The night before the operation, I had to shower with this sterile cleanse stuff. I had to only use sterile hospital items to shower and get ready. Towels, gowns etc. I had to do the same exact things the following morning just before surgery.

Thursday night was an especially hard one for us. Trever let me know that he was extremely worried about losing me and has been ever since he found out that I had Accreta. Through our conversation and extreme tears we talked about all kinds of stuff. It had been such a rough pregnancy for our whole little family as it was. The thought of any further issues was simply devastating. Though we planned for the worst and hoped for the best, we were not prepared for the next days events. 

I woke up Friday morning, showered and was hooked up to the monitors. I talked to my two oldest girls and told the I loved them and was ready to go into surgery at 7:45. Trever was not with me mentally that day. He has hidden his fears for so long and tried so hard to be strong, but I always knew it was pushing him to his breaking point.  The doctors all came in, tried to comfort us and checked to see if there were any questions. They wheeled me back to the Operating room. I was keeping myself side tracked by trying to tell stories, ask questions like a little school boy (what is that for, what does this do...) I even cracked a few jokes. Anything I could do, to pass the time and get though the grueling prepping process. Trever kept busy with the NICU nurse waiting out side doing the same thing. Anything to keep our minds off things. 

They got the spinal in me. After a few pokes. For some reason, it was not smooth sailing like the other c-sections I have had. From what I could gather, they just couldn't get it to go into the correct spots to numb me correctly. Once I was numbing...which that took way longer as well. I was getting more and more anxious about everything getting fully numb. Especially because I could still feel plenty a few inches above my belly button. So the cutting area and the non- numb area were very close to each other...anyway, I decided to wait unto they did the test pokes to see if it was fully numbed by then, to say something.

The oncology team got me into the stirrups and began the euroscopy. They put the scope into my bladder and took a look around. That took probably a half hour to an hour. All I saw was lots of red lines, like blood or something? I began to get extremely queezy all of a sudden. They helped me calm down and breathe through it. The whole time a nurse was next to me talking me through the process (she was an absolute doll! A woman about my age, tattoos all over her arms, and as gentle and confident and comforting as any person could be).  She then switched with someone on the urology team who did the same for a while, the the commotion started. I heard the oncologist say that they couldn't get the stunt in place. It wouldn't go in like it should. I believe that's about when I heard him or someone say that it tore in the process. I asked a couple questions, trying not to let myself get scared, but everyone was wrapped up in this new issue and couldn't really hear me.

They eventually got me moved to the operating table where they prepped my body with iodine and got the big blue sheet up as well. I told them that the numbness didn't go up as high as I though it should so they began to pinch me in different areas of my stomach, checking where the feeling was. I could feel a few of them. They decided they would try a few things but then I understood they would probably have to put me straight under. They brought Trever back and told him what was going on. I saw the anesthesiologists face as I drifted off into the biggest commotion of a sleep than I had ever experienced. It was a nightmare! I wish it could have been some sort of uplifting spiritual experience for me but oh wow, it was horrifying. I all of a sudden couldn't make sense of anything. I was in this limbo world. I was confused and lost. So many questions, but I remember not even being able to make sense of those. I felt like I was living. In this world that looked like a kleidescope with no color. Just back and white. Mirrow images, dead end corners? It was horrifying! And no happy faces scary creepy ones, It all calmed do an for a very brief moment and I saw the lights and the blue sheet in front of me. I realized I was still in surgery. I wasn't dead. I looked over at Trever to find him. I couldn't see him very well. He says at one point, I assuming it was this one, he asked me, are you in pain? I just opened my eyes really wide and shook my head. That was the last thing he saw before it was time to leave.

For the next 9 hours or so Trever was on edge. The doctors didn't check in with him. At one point he saw one of the doctors in the hallway. He asked about me. The dr said they were trying to repair my bladder but that's about it.the he darted off. Trever was even more terrified, that the bladder was involved. 

He did everything he could, to stay busy. Thanks to our dear friend David Westover who hung out with Trever and spent the day with him. That night after a few units of blood loss and two transfusions, they stitched me up and took me to the ICU. Trever said I was blown up like a balloon. Everything was swollen. I had the tube down my throat and couldn't talk. I kept trying to ask Trever about Caleb. He couldn't understand me and I was so worn out that I would try to mouth the words once, the fade back asleep for a sec. I finally signed Caleb's name to him. Between my fat fingers and my restrained arms (I guess they had to restrain me to keep me from pulling out the tubes.) Trever could hardly make put the letters. I was so proud of him for getting what I said. He said that Caleb was well and showed me some pictures from the I pad. I couldn't focus on them, everything went fuzzy when I had to focus on details. 

But I think it calmed me down. Then I saw David standing near Trever. I kept putting my hand over each other trying to ask for a blessing.  It was all so scary and I figured I was probably in bad shape.  He just kept saying, I'm so sorry honey but I can't understand you. I looked at David, pointed to him, looked at Trever and pointed to him. Then put my hands on each other. David caught on and said, I think she wants a blessing. I shook my head yes. I don't remember anything about the blessing except for Trever crying. But it must have helped because Trever said within fifteen minutes I was out and completely calm. They wouldn't let Trever stay the night with me in there. He was so scared to leave me