Healing again...

I wanted to make sure and document my healing process with this summers events. Though what happened this summer didn't happen to me...I did internalize it and took it very personal. Yesterday during a session with my awesome counselor... I broke through and challenged a belief I have been carrying for ages.

When I was a child, I was sexually assaulted by an extended family member. I was told several times over the years it wasn't my fault... But I was also told several times that some of the things I did, were because I was molested. I began to believe I was broken because of that single event. I've been working on that concept over the last several years in counseling. I didn't realize it until yesterday that there was still this underlying belief system that couldn't quite believe that I was completely innocent in it all.

Several times when I've heard people talk about perpetrators and what they look for in a victim ... They say things like insecure, weak, unsure, etc. So therefore... I felt as if I was those things. After all... That is what a perpetrator looks for in a victim right?

As we spoke about the three ways that things happen in our lives... 1 by our own actions and choices, 2 by others actions and choices, 3 because we live in a telestial world where trials are a part of every day Life... I began to realize my belief system that somehow I attracted this horrific event. I somehow asked him to do this to me. As I challenged that thought... All of a sudden this healing came over me in a huge way.... I didn't want this done to me!  He chose to attack me. I am not weak! I am strong! If he did sense insecurities in me... It does not me I am insecure... It does not define me. I am not weak. I am not unsure. I wasn't unsure. I pulled his hand away immediately! I set boundaries. He didn't follow them. He lied to me. He broke trust. He chose to do that to me. I am not weak. I am strong.

I am not broken! I am healing. People choose to hurt others. We don't somehow attract being victimized.

I have been taking this attack on my child this summer very personally. I am realizing that I felt responsible for what happened. I should have taught her to be strong. I should have helped her be more confident. I should have seen it happen and stopped it. NO! I shouldn't have. This person should have grown up and showed self control. He should have been the kind of person in my child's life that was a champion for her. Not an abuser to her. (And to the rest of us.) The verbal/mental/emotional abuse has gone on for years by this person. We did our best to love and talk to them about it as needed. We never knew that he would cross that line or that he already had crossed that line in the past with other of our children.

In life... We may not know there is a problem with our pipes until that pipe finally bursts and water starts pouring out. Sometime we move in to old houses and know there is a potential for pipe issues but exactly where is hard to determine until we see that burst. (a great analogy from my counselor). We knew there was potential of him escalating because of his past aggression but couldn't know what or where until it happened.

He is the one at fault. He is the perpetrator. He is the one who saw an opportunity to to abuse and took it. She didn't attract it. She isn't weak or helpless. She is one of the strongest people I know. They all are. I have 6 amazing powerhouse children. We are not weak! We are strong!