Keepin' it real

It's no secret, that on this blog... I'm pretty much an open book.  There are many times (especially lately) where I haven't wanted to be an open book, so I haven't blogged much.  I want to catch up on my life the past few months.

The love of my life is in his 3rd Trimester of school right now. Only 3 more to go!!! He is cramming it all in, to get done asap.  Last semester he took 17 credits.  It was a rough semester to say the least but we made it. Tough classes, funding issues and hormonal momma/wife. Not to mention housing issues, repairs etc. This semester he is taking 18 credits. So far it is going much more smoothly. Our funding came through on time. We have a new landlord who is awesome! Classes are tough but we are a lot more organized and put together this semester. As far as the hormones.... well, sit back and I'll tell you.

So... the past few months Trever and I have been watching my cycle very closely.  Since I still have a period, but don't bleed, its harder to track. Although Trever has been keeping tabs on me monthly and calendaring it in his phone since we got married. (Smart man, he knows when it's ok to come close and when its better to just give me space) hahaha. Over the last year though, I have been even more emotional and each month it seems to be getting worse.  I thought maybe my PTSD symptoms from delivery were coming back or something.  My anxiety and depression have been high especially during ovulation and period times. So pretty much every two weeks for a couple of days... I'm a mess!

We started talking about what we thought was going on... Trever mentioned that he thought I needed to get my hormone levels checked.  I knew my hormones were off, but I still had my overies, so I didn't think it could be that. After talking with my friend, she referred me to a PA who has been helping her out.  I went in and saw her.  We talked about my symptoms throughout the cycle. Based on how I am feeling/acting during certain parts of the cycle, she concluded that I needed a small dose of estrogen and a medium dose of progesterone. The ironic thing is... I have never been on birth control a day in my life until now.  Now... when there is no way possible that I could get pregnant. hahaha.

She said it would take a couple of months for things to fully get into gear, to know if the dosage is the right amount.  A few days in, my depression was a lot more consistent, Then came a little break and then the anxiety started to rev up.  I have been on it three weeks and starting to see things level out just a smidge.  I'm sure my body will still have adjustment times over the next month, but I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I have also been sick, pretty much since Thanksgiving. With a few good days in December just in time to do tamale classes. Which then wore me out and put me back under. haha. I'm a go big or go home gal.  I got the stomach bug, then colds, then the head flu. Then Bronchitis, then back to the head flu (probably a different strain).  The kids will be sick for a day of two, but me... I have been in bed for the better part of the last month.  I was really starting to feel worthless, just sitting in bed all day. I also didn't want to get out of bed because that would lead to getting out of the house and having to drive on icy roads. The idea terrified me!!! I'll tell you why in a few....

I was getting pretty depressed and like I said, feeling worthless, pointless.  My kids helped make dinner, Caleb, Becca and I just watched movies all day. What was my purpose as a wife, and mother.  How was I contributing at all to my world.  I've been in an out of this funk for a few months now and felt like I was going downhill fast.  I didn't know how to pull out of it.  We had talked about my maybe needing to check myself in to the hospital but I just couldn't do that to Trever at the start of the new semester. I just needed to take my happy pills a little more often and I would get through it. Probably not the wisest decision but I knew going in would send our world in an upside down frenzy that would just make matters worse in every way.

As I counseled with Trever, he encouraged me to do one thing, no matter how small, that was productive each day. The first couple of days, I would literally do one small task and head right back to my bed. But I did it.  I was able to tell him at the end of the day, that I did that one thing.  And no matter how small it was, he would tell me good job and he was proud of me. Then we started talking about my spiritual and physical feelings of worthlessness. So after we talked it through, he suggested one thing productive (even if it is just taking my stash of dishes by my bed to the sink), one thing spiritual (even if it is sharing a quote from a General Authority on FB, which he lovingly pointed out that I do often anyway, so I really was working on my spirituality even if I didn't think I was. ) and one thing physical (even if it is just getting out of bed and walking downstairs then coming up and getting right back in bed).  Again, didn't have to be anything big, just something that was on purpose. Then at the end of the day, I could recognize that I accomplished something.  The first day, I listened to my Hillary weeks music (spiritual) ran a few errands (physical) and cleaned out the car (Productive). Yesterday wasn't as big, but I did something. The funny thing is, I am finding that I am actually doing more than one thing in each area. I had burdened myself with this pressure to be super mom/wife all the time and so therefore I shut down and never wanted to do anything. It was all too overwhelming. Now that the pressure is off to do anything and everything.... I only have to do one thing... then all of a sudden, I am free to do whatever I want. Today I was able to read two ensign articles from conference while eating lunch, we cleaned my room and the laundry room, while also doing laundry, and I danced a little bit to the music that was playing. Things that to some, may not be much, but to those who live with depression... you know how huge that is.

K- Back to the scared to drive thing...Here is why... I took Trever to school a few weeks ago so that I could have the car for a Dr's appt or something.  My van was literally crawling up the huge hill towards the temple/campus, while sliding on the ice. I couldn't rev it to catch some momentum because I would slide even more, and I couldn't take my foot off the gas or I would slide back down the hill. (at least that is what it felt like would happen). It was terrifying!  Cars were all around me, some had to turn around because they couldn't make it either.  I was so scared to get back on the horse! I stayed home as much as I could and in bed where it was safe.  My anxiety began to skyrocket and so did my depression.  I was too sick to go to church and only got out of bed when absolutely necessary. And of course to go to my Dad and Lisa's sealing. Then I was back home and in bed for the next week. blah!

We decided that it was time to get new rear tires on the van to help with the ice issue.  I am one that likes to run the tires into the ground before replacing them.  Get every last mile out of them that I can. In the snow and ice... that isn't quite possible.  They need to have good tread to withstand it.  So on Monday, I went to get new tires on....

Also this last week while I was super depressed I knew we needed some family time. So, Trever and I took the Kids to see Moana, We loved it! It was great to get out of the house.  Then on Sat, Trever really wanted to see Star Wars for his birthday.  He and I were just going to go, but it had just moved to the dollar theatre so we took the whole family for the same price.  Yay for family time.

I know this post is all over the place. I kind of just spewed it all over the screen.  I have really been wanting to process all that has gone on the past few weeks.  I know I often only post the good things on FB (besides my forwards and shares.) But when its about me/us, I usually only post the pinterest moments. Mainly because I don't want to be "that" woman that is always complaining and being a Debby downer.  The reality is, life is good bad and ugly sometimes.  I have really been blessed to be able to catch myself when my depression hits and have enough clarity to know when we are getting into emergency territory. I have also been very blessed to be able to look for the good in the middle of the storm. (at least sometimes)  It has become a coping mechanism for me I think.  When things get hard, to avoid a panic attack I just look for something, anything calming and peaceful about the situation.  Something I think my dear husband has taught me.  I am so thankful that I have been able to have those as blessings in my life. I really think that they are the reason I am alive and still functioning. I can't take any credit for it, though we all know that sometimes I try. hehe. It has also been a huge blessing to have new tires. What a world of difference! They looked fine, so I really didn't think it was going to do much, but it did.  It has helped me want to get out of the house more because I feel safer driving on the snow and Ice.  I'm still figuring out how to drive in this Idaho weather.  This AZ girl has lots of learning to do, but I am getting tons of practice with this heavy winter. (last winter wasn't even close to this one!)

Anyway, thanks for letting me process. I know there are tons of run-on sentances and It is an English nightmare, but that is me. Just keepin it real for ya'll. ;) Life is good, it really is.  The blessings outweigh the trials, we just have to search for them.  The good news is... practice makes perfect.  Someday, I will be a pro and be able to have a lot better mastery over my emotions and outlook on life... until then, I am learning a lot and fighting hard!