We made sure to make it a much better birthday for him this year. We put up decorations while he was at work. We made some of his favorites for dinner, and enjoyed some time together as a family. He and I were blessed to be able to have two dates last week. We went to watch a movie one night and then a few days later I surprised him and took him to a Brazilian Restaurant for lunch. He was in heaven! He served his mission in Brazil. He told me this year was his best birthday ever. Im so thankful I was here to help make it a special one for him, instead of being the reason why his birthdays were the worst day of the year.
It has been a rough year for all of us, to say the least, but a year full of so many miracles. I think I could safely say, it was the hardest year of our lives. Physically, Caleb and I have been through a lot. Emotionally, well, let just say, that was one of the hardest tests. Financially, we have had to make some hard decisions with regards to our business. Spiritually, our faith has been tested. But when I think of the last year as a whole, mostly I just feel comfort. The kind of comfort that feels like a warm embrace. There is no doubt in my mind that we have all been in the Lords embrace this past year. He has literally carried us through this rough time. With as much as we have been pushed, pulled, torn and tested, we have received even greater blessings. Because of those tough decisions, we have reached areas of business we never thought possible. Our faith and peace emotionally and spiritually has become stronger than ever. Physically, We are both strong and healthy. (Besides a simple cold) No serious side effects at all!
I have been trying to figure out if I should keep blogging since life is back to better than normal. i started blogging, to help answer questions and give Accreta a voice. So now what? Truth is, I love blogging. I don't care if anyone reads it. I just really enjoy typing rather than writing. I also dont have to worry about my computer crashing and losing it all. I have considered starting a new blog to keep going. But i guess if those following my blog, wanted to know just about Accreta, they wouldn't still be following it right? So this is officially my journal blog about my life. In an effort to better understand myself, realize my blind spots and be able to map out my path in life, I want to share my belief system that I was taught while growing up. This is my personal journey. Not a venue to point fingers, but a way to understand myself and the things Ive learned over the last year.
Side note... Right now as I type this, my kids are in a detox bath. Im praying it works! We have passed icky sickness around for the last two months and its getting super old! Ive gotten it twice now and i very rarely get this sick. I often feel icky and tired, but thats just life as a mom with six under 9. This is a whole new level of sick these days. Don't worry, I'm on my iPad typing on the toilet, next to the tub. The splashes and screams of joy are overwhelming (they have to stay in for 40 minutes) but joyful at the same time. Ive never been a bath mom. They usuallyl shower together and they are in and out in 5 minutes. Oh well, it fun to see them play. I needed to mop the floor anyway. ;)
So here is a few things on my mind lately... One of the hardest things for me this year has been watching my parents have separate. they are now in the middle of a sad divorce. (Im going to ruffle a few feathers with this blog post..but...my blog, my rules. No one is making you read this)
My family has spent years and years trying to keep up appearances. Hiding the fact that our family was far less than perfect. We always tried to do the right things, we said I love you, we even ate dinner as a family, most nights. Our issues (every family has them) seemed to be deep rooted is misunderstanding. We always felt like the only way to heaven was to be perfect before we got there. We viewed God as someone who will punish you if you do something wrong, and punish you if you don't do something right. The only blessings we felt we were worthy of was by not being punished if we did something right. Every now and then the Lord would toss in a little miracle or two, to keep us On his side. There is and was this mentality that God had ulterior motives for "loving" us. It was conditional love. We were worthless in his eyes. But at the same time, we believed that we were privileged and elite. We were given knowledge and ability that others weren't given. We were somehow able to be victims and martyrs at the same time. We were afraid to ever admit fault or defeat. Our service to others often had a hidden agenda. The more people we saved, fixed and rescued, the more we guaranteed our seats in Heaven.
These beliefs have destroyed my family. (My parents and siblings) We were so worried about what others thought about us that we kept up a pretty tight front. We also did A LOT of gossiping and back biting. If ever someone didn't view us as the "saints that we were"... We would quickly rally up as many as we could to be our our side, by slamming the other person as much as possible. But see this is the rough part... The slamming came with words like, the spirit told me, we just need to love them, bless their heart type stuff.
I was once told (as a joke) at a seminar I was attending that "you can always say whatever you want about someone if you follow it up with 'bless their heart'". Anxiety and fear controlled and is still controlling us as a family. One family member took me to lunch on day (I hate lunch dates to this day!) and said that the spirit told them to tell me that my husband was abusive. The problem is, that they truly felt like the spirit told them that. Another time, a family member proudly called CPS on him because of something they "heard" someone say happened. (Causing my children to go through a doctor visit that no child should ever endure!) REALLY? Have you met my husband? He is the kindest and most gentle dad that I have ever met.
Here is exactly how both situations became emergencies in a matter of minutes. Someone casually said something to another family member (that was actually something anyone else would see as being a super fun dad) but because of our rescue and save the world mentality along with lots of anxiety, a simple phase turned into a plea for help. Then as the fear and anxiety stewed for a few days, the "need to say something" became not only urgent but necessary. Because the urge was so forceful, it had to be the spirit right? Unfortunately, and thankfully, thats not how the spirit of God works! Its called the comforter and the still small voice for a reason.
I used to do similar things often when I was first married. I gave my poor In laws an ear full on a number of occasions because they looked at me or my kids wrong, or said something that I took as a sign to jump in and save the day. And of course it was usually done through letters or email, because i had to force our my saintly view and didn't want to give the other person a chance to rebuttal. So unlike David who stood against Goliath and proclaimed righteousness with faith and courage in front of all of israel, we cower and deal in darkness like Judas in betrayal for a few pieces of silver. (I wish I could take credit for that analogy, but I cant... ) This is how we always confronted each other. And now...my parents are getting divorced over email.
The scripture..."by their fruits, ye shall know them" has been on my mind. I don't believe it means by the things on the outside of the person, as much as the inside of the person. Its not what they do, but who they really are on the inside. The hardest thing in the world for me right now is to see my mom, my roll model and friend, struggle to find true happiness. She tries so hard to help others find happiness in life and yet I see her more depressed, and more anxious than ever. She is thin and frail. She ignores the signs of weakness and mental deterioration because of malnutrition and dehydration. Im scared for her. I have never seen someone try so hard to bring joy to others and to live a righteous life, and yet, feel so miserable and defeated. I worry that one day I will get that phone call we all fear. My mother has passed away. I love my mom dearly. I want her to be around for her grandkids and great grandkids. I worry about my Dad who struggles with depression. Ive always been a daddy's girl but only recently become actual friends with my dad. I worry that he will give in to the depression and loneliness. That he won't want us around anymore and that I will lose him too.
Divorce stinks. Even as an adult, it has torn me apart inside. Im thankful for a loving Father in Heaven and husband who have helped put the pieces back together Again. Watching them go through this has tested me. It has tested our marriage. This couple who promised me as a child that they would never give up on each other, they would never divorce. Now I feel like they are giving up and throwing in the towel, because of pride and fear. Its so sad! I wish they would really and truly fight for each other instead of giving up on each other. They loved each other once. They CHOSE to marry each other... No one put a gun to their heads. So what changed? Why cant they start over. Let everything go from the past and be friends again. Why cant they fight for each other instead of with each other. I think they can love again. I really do. If they cant love each other again, then I hope they find someone that they can love. Life without someone to love is boring and pointless.
I came to Trever one night, feeling pretty vulnerable and torn apart. He assured me he would never leave me. I told him that is the same thing they used to promise me, and each other. Knowing there wasnt much he could say to convince me, he suggested that since there are no guarantees in life... We should just enjoy it while it lasts. This way, instead of worrying if today was the day that will breaks us... We can now say, it was fun while it lasted. Instead of pushing him away out of fear that one day he will leave me... I can now, let him love me like he has always wanted to. By doing this, enjoying each other every day type stuff we will give have the eternal marriage we really want. Living for today has helped me to let go of the worry. The very things that my parents worried about all of those years, came to be. Because it was their focus. They lived in fear of the future, fear of failure and fear of imperfection. if only they had focused on what they wanted instead of feared. Watching them go through this has changed me. its helped me realize that when focusing on enjoying each other and living in the moment, we are able to strengthen our marriage. Just over the last two days, we have grown so much closer and enjoyed each other even more than before.
This year has been a huge break through for me. As I have seen how much God knows and Loves ME, it has helped me to understand His plan differently. I am beginning to see the real him. Im slowly realizing that this really is the plan of happiness. The plan is to be happy and at peace, through the process, not just at the end when we are perfect. There really is "joy in the Journey" (pardon my EFY phrase.) I have a husband who somehow, "gets it". He understands that criticizing or belittling your spouse, pointing out his/her faults, always trying to "fix" him/her, only separates you more. I am so thankful that he has taught me that, by example.
Trever has made it a point to only say nice things about me to our friends, especially behind my back. He doesn't participate in spouse bashing sessions with his friends. He has taught me so much and been a great example to me about this. When we say something bad out those we love, it separates us from them. It changes us on the inside, whether the other person hears it or not. It turns us bitter. It separates us from God. From personal experience.. The more we are separated from God, the more we grasp at straws to get back to feeling close to him. Sometimes we actually get closer. Other times, because of pride, fear and anxiety, we think we are getting closer and actually are separating ourselves more. The way to tell which one it is , is by our true feelings. Are we truly at peace. The stirring inside that the scriptures talk about for instance... I have always thought that that anxious stirring I felt, was the spirit. But as I have analyzed the spirit and each experience in my life, I have realized two different feelings. One from the spirit and one from anxiety. Sometimes there is a stirring, a motivation to do something. But oddly enough, its a happy feeling, a giddy feeling, even when its a warning. The other stirring, is this urgency to say/do it immediately, or else something terrible is going to happen. I never realized the difference before, but I'm beginning to see that they are not both coming from the spirit.
Here is an example... When i was about 5 months pregnant with my oldest McKenzie, we were heading out to Mexico for a family vacation. As we were getting in the car, Trever mentioned that he felt like something was going to happen on this trip, but everything would be ok. That was a warning from the spirit. For him as the priesthood holder, who would face some tough decisions and emotions in the next few hours. (These warnings don't come very often. He doesn't reveal every step of the way to us. He wants us to create our own destiny, life and happiness) It did come this particular time, because that is what Trever needed at that point in his life. I can tell it was the spirit because I didn't get anxious about what he had just told me. Very unlike me to hear something like that and not fear the worst. I was completely calm and didn't give it a second thought. Later we were in an accident that could have been pretty bad. But Trever was able to help us to stay calm, and was able to be the provider, presider and protector that I needed right then. Another time, I was able to be the one who was able to know that everything would be ok. The night before surgery, I was able to feel that everything would be ok as the fear of death hung over our heads. I was able to tell him that I felt strongly that my life wasn't over. That I would live. Im thankful for the prayers of those who love me, so that I was able to have that confirmation.
The spirit and The Lord, do not use anxiety to speak to us. I am so thankful for my PTSD. It has helped me learn this in a way that has changed me forever. I have always struggled with discerning the spirit. Always. Just this year, I have been able to understand it so much deeper. I continue to learn and understand it more, each day. Even as I write this, it has helped me make more sense of it all.
I have been able to work through my anxiety so much the past couple of months, I haven't had my medication, which has made things rough. The Lord has been my medication through it all though. I didn't realize it until now. (This is exactly why I ramble, because I learn things I never knew!) a huge blessing and sacred blessing for me, has been while in the middle of my attacks, I am able to picture my Savior putting his arm around me (or my Grandpa who is in Heaven) and I am able to feel their embrace and instantly calm down.
There is opposition in all things, even when life is tough, we can still feel peace. We are still blessed. I am so thankful for my life. My.trials and my blessings. I couldn't say that a few months ago. Heck, a few weeks ago. But in processing this today, I'm able to make so much sense of it all. Im able to see the blessings through the fog.
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