Fall

It is amazing, what the cooler weather does for the soul! I have felt alive again the past couple of days. I have been able to go to  the park with my kids, go on walks, and clean my house. The house thing is a work in progress, but Ill explain that later.

I have been putting off a new post until I had good news to share. The month after my last post felt almost like, well in an effort to keep my language clean... It was really rough. I had that first panick attack that landed me in the hospital. (Im pretty sure I wrote about that) well, i thought it was just an initial trigger from the medication that would not happen again. I was wrong. The next few weeks sent me into a spiral of major anxiety attacks. The medication suppressed the little every day anxious moments, but random things would trigger huge attacks out of the blue. I became scared to have any amount of stess enter my life. Church was horrifying for me. I couldnt be around huge crouds of people. I couldnt handle any amount of chaos. Even more than before. (Being alone for all of those months, has now made brain overstimulation a lot easier). I began to feel like I was psychotic. And even got to a point where dying, sounded really good. I didnt really want to hurt myself, but if someone else wanted to, I was ok with that. There was a point during one of my attacks that I almost asked for it. I was exhausted all the time, and had absolutly no appetite. Things were really bad to say the least.

After talking with my husband and a few friends, I realized how much the medication was controlling me. I called the Dr. and we switched my meds. I have been on this new one for about two weeks and I am loving it! I have my energy level rising again and have an appetite again. Cooking is a different story, but that will soon change.

My nightmares are getting stronger the past couple of days, so Im a little worried about that. Im on edge about any changes in my life, because those attacks were so scary. If you have never experienced one... They are no picnic. There is an out of body, out of control feel to them that is terrifying. Im so glad that I havent had any since I switched medication.

This new stuff, helps take the edge off, but allows me to still have the highs and lows. We will see how things progress in the next couple of weeks, as it builds up in my body. It usually takes a little while to fully work.

I have been stressed out about the chaos that our house has been in lately. I have not been able to keep up on things, and I have been really bad about teaching good habits and routine with the kids. I also began to realize that this house just doesnt feel like mine fully. We moved in and then a few weeks later I went to the hospital. My bedroom is cold and bare. Except for the floor and shelves which are filled with everything that doesnt have a place yet.  We have been very blessed with some good  work lately, so we were able to have some extra cash to donate to making it feel more like home for me. We are decluttering, and doing little things to accent the house. My room is getting a makeover and I am simply extactic. Thanks to my mom and our dear friend who actually gave us a few expensive items that they didnt need, that helped even more than planned. What a huge blessing! Im so thankful for angels on earth who take such good care of us.

My handsome baby boy turned 7 months old yesterday. I cant even believe my eyes with how much hehas grown.i have seen to teeny tiny babies this week and realized just how muchhe has grown over the months. You would never know he was a preemie. He is a solid mass of muscle already. I remember the funny nurse who said Caleb was so strong hecould bench press a truck. Haha, if only he could see him now. He is rolling all over the place. Grabbing things beautifully. One of the happiest babies ever. A cranky teether though. He has a few of them coming in all at once. He is the love of  my life. Along with my husband and other kids of course. We definitly have a special bond and friendship though. Oh how I love my little man.

I am feeling like a human once again. Its a beautiful thing. I told Trever that I still have a hard time figuring out who I am. This whole experience has changed my life forever. It kind of seems to define me in my mind now. We planned on having our children close so that we could do all of the things we have always wanted to,with all of our kids together. And we didnt have to worry about pregnancy or nursing to limit things. Now that our family is complete... I am a new person. Im anxious to get well enough to go camping, hiking, dancing, etc. as I battled over the new me, and still hanging on to the old me... Trever said some profound words. He said, dont worry about who you are or are supposed to be. Figure out who youwant to be, and become that person. It really hitme, just how much we rely on fate or whatever, to make us who we want to be. We were given brains for a reason. We can choose who we want to be. We arent subject to personality traits or destiny. We cancreate our own destiny. It may sound weird and not make any sense... But it was a profound moment for me.

I want to be a kind and happy mother who doesnt worry about details any longer. I want to enjoy my children more than ever. I want to travle with them. Show them the beauties that this world has to offer. I want to swing with them, work with them and quit being their supervisor. Ive spent endless hours on my rocking chair being a dictator. Its time to get in the trenches and show them how its done. Its time to stop letting life happen to me, and for me to happen to it!