Sad Day With An Unexpected Miracle

So, remember a ways back when I said I would allow myself to have a good breakdown and a good cry when I was healed enough to handle it? Well tonight was that night. Actually I wasn't able to let it all out because I didn't want my kids to hear those words come out of my mouth. That, and they were very concerned about me when they heard me crying on the way home tonight. So I decided to toughen up again and save it for another time and place. I was happy to know that I could have a decent cry without causing more pain.

I called to check on Caleb this morning. As usual, I asked about RSV season. To my surprise, the lady at the front desk told me that we are free and clear now. That meant that the girls could finally meet their brother! We rearranged our day and decided to head to the hospital as soon as my oldest got home from school. We also scheduled to meet a couple guys who lived in Phoenix, to look at the car while we were up there. Both really liked the car but but decided against buying it.

We happily walked up to the NICU and told the lady who we were here to see, so she could let us it. She said, "so who is going to watch the children?" Say what???? They told us RSV season was over and the kids could come in today. Nope, they haven't received official word yet so the kids had to stay in the hallway. We went to see my nurses while Trever went in to see the baby. We got to see Ann, Alma, and Cherise. Trever made a big stink about RSV and how sad our kids were. Caleb's nurse Ann, decided to go double check with the supervisors since we had gotten conflicting info. One said yes and one said no. Seriously? Lets go off of the yes vote! The yes vote got abolished because its not "official". Which means that the word is out that its over but they are waiting on the paperwork, is my guess. Ugh, so incredibly angry and disturbed about it all. Oh well, what do ya do?

We traded kids and I went in for my turn. He is getting so big! I can't wait to check I. Later tonight and see what he weighs. I was able to change his diaper and feed him his bottle. He took 43 ccs out of 65. He is taking a bottle practically  every feeding now, but has dropped from eating the full thing by mouth. I am thinking this is a good thing though. Before, he would do a full feed and then a lot smaller one the next time (by mouth) if he took any at all. The full feeds usually wore him out. Now he is consistently taking about 35-45 each time. So he is pacing himself well and making progress.

I kissed him goodbye and walked out with tears filling up in my eyes. It eats harder and harder to say goodbye. Tonight was especially hard because it had a little anger and resentment in it as well. I am amazed at my sweet kids and how they were able to get over the disappointment so quickly and move on. They are great examples to me.

Trever had to run back in, to get a new wrist band on. Now we have two. One to get us into the NICU. The other is for the nurses to identify us when we call it. It has a code on it.  When he came back out to the car, he came to my side with a sort of smile on his face. He said that he ran into the nurse that helped me through one of the darkest and scariest moments of my life. Remember her? The one I told you about with the tattoos all down her arms? Well we have her name now. It's Mandy. My sweet angle Mandy is the one who was at my bedside in the waiting room before surgery. She held me as they did my spinal. She talked to me and comforted me as they prepped me for surgery. She was right there in my face, keeping me sidetracked and calm. She literally was my angel! I'm not kidding guys, there are not words to describe how much she comforted me.

Trever stopped her in the hallway and said that he just wanted to thank her for all she did for me. He told her how much she brought hope and comfort to me, in my scariest moments. She told him that she thought we were an amazing couple and so strong. She told him what a strong woman I was and that she wondered what happened to me. He continued to tell me of their conversation and I started to cry. All of a sudden, all of these memories came flooding back. Some good, and some terrifying. I didn't realize just how much she meant to me until he started talking. I was emotional already, but hearing that he got to see her, just made the flood gates open. I would see someone that looked like her walking down at the other end of the hallway, and I would want to run and see if it was her and throw my arms around her. I never knew her name though. I know she told me, I just forgot it. I didn't realize when she told me her name, that she would be the one woman I wanted to see more than anyone else. So I didn't try to remember it.  Anyway, maybe she was the reason that we were supposed to go to the hospital tonight. It was a healing moment for me and for Trever.