Day of reflection

I have needed to lay down a lot more lately. Even sitting for too long, would cause more contractions and bleeding. Over the last ten weeks of bed rest (including the ones at home), I've had to really listen to my body. At first it was just pelvic rest. That lasted about a week. Now I can't sit for more than about an hour the entire day without spotting. I just pray that my body can hold up for another 7 weeks so I can deliver without an emergency c-section. If that happens, I won't even get to see the baby until he is at least 5 or 6 hours old. Maybe longer if he is in critical condition.

I was reading a talk in the November Ensign. "Because I live, ye shall live also" by Elder Bowen. I was reading how he and his wife tragically lost their son. I started to wonder if Caleb would survive this all. I started to think about what my sister said one day. She said the Lord isn't cruel to allow you to go through all of this suffering and end up losing the baby in the end.

I started thinking about how Heavenly Father is a compassionate God. And if it was in the plan to lose Caleb, how might it have played out. Honestly, probably just like it has. I have felt closer to my Heavenly Father more than ever before because of this trial. My faith is the strongest in my lifetime. I have spent weeks and weeks alone with this little guy, bonding with him, praying for him, sacrificing for him. If I had miscarried or whatever, I wouldn't have had this time with him. Also because of everything, I am able to get the care I need. If I would have gone into labor early or even miscarried early in the pregnancy, I would have literally bled to death before getting to a hospital that could save my life.

I'm not saying I feel like my time here on earth with Caleb will be cut short, but I am comforted in getting a little glimpse of the bigger picture. And how the Lord really does work in mysterious ways for our good. I am comforted in knowing that if it is the Lords will, that he showed me mercy through the trial. And if its His will for Caleb to survive it all, which I think it is... then He has still allowed me to learn and grow and bond in ways that have changed my life forever.

I have also been reflecting on my relationship with my husband and children today. I am so thankful for the trials that we have been through the past few years. Our family unit is stronger than ever right now. As hard as it is on all of us to be apart, I have witnessed miracles in the courage and understanding we all have. Our children know without doubt that we love them and most importantly that we love each other. And even more than that, is that they know we love and are devoted to the Lord. It has been neat watching their faith and stability in us, turn to faith and stability in Him. I've watched their faith be strengthened through it all. I've watched them rely on prayer to comfort them. That alone is a huge blessing as their parent. They are strong warriors! I know it won't be easy for them all the time, but I know that the atonement is infinite. Because of it, we will make it through this trial, a much stronger family.

I am so grateful for our trials today. I've gotten a glimpse of their purpose in our lives. I know me, and tomorrow ill probably be complaining again :-) ( that's why I'm spilling it all today, so can remember this feeling when I'm down)

In baby news, I had a talk with one of the head doctors. (by the way that resident is back on my naughty list. Lol) I told him it was more stressful for me to do the non stress tests everyday, but I would do it if I needed to. He is going to let me go back to twice a week! Hallelujah!

I also did the three hour glucose, (starting at 5 am) and I passed! 2 of the other doctors wondered why the  big test, because they knew it was all from the steroids. But the resident doctor, (I can't remember his name, plus I don't want to get him in trouble. I'm sure he is a great doctor, he is just too quick to jump on things and doesn't seem to deviate from the textbook if that makes sense)... Anyway he wanted to do the three hour so we would know for sure, since that test is a diagnostic test. The other is just a gauge. But now we know for sure and I learned a lot about diabetes through it all. So I am grateful for the education and experience. I'm even more grateful I don't have to give up my french toast and my carrot cake!