Happy 9th Birthday Little Man

 As I sat across from this little man tonight for his birthday dinner at the Mandarin, and a flood of emotion came over me.

I don't let myself go to this place very often. Sometimes years pass by before I let my self feel and process. The trauma and emotion have the ability to completely take over and drag me to a very dark place.

9 years ago tonight, Trever was singing "our song" to me as we laid in my hospital bed trying to comprehend the possibility what life would be like for him and the kids without me there. The very real thoughts that this would be our last night together on this earth. My chances of surviving the surgery that I would have the next day were not great.

We had to talk about and make decisions that no couple should ever have to make. I had written my love letters to my babies for them to know their mommy loved them. We just laid there and cried until the tears ran dry.

The next day would bring me to the brink of death and back. I am so thankful my 12 doctors and surgeons brought me back. 11 hours of surgery left me so swollen, my hands looked like blown up rubber gloves. I was mutilated from the inside out. They did their best to put me back together again.

I had a tube down my throat for several hours after surgery breathing for me and suffocating me all at the same time. And a small little miracle boy that I would finally be able to meet 36 hours after birth. He and I spent the next 9 weeks fighting for our lives.

1 more surgery, blood transfusions, wounds that wouldn't heal and endless doctor visits for me. Underdeveloped lungs, and a host of preemie issues for him.

As I sat across from him tonight, the miracle of it all came flooding in. As I watched him chatting with his daddy I remembered a sweet experience I had while he fought for his life in the NICU, where I was blessed to know that he would live through it all. I suddenly realized he is half way to 18. Half way to when he leaves on his mission. 9 whole years have gone by. Years that we thought we would never spend together.

I am so thankful. Still so broken but thankful.

Healing again...

I wanted to make sure and document my healing process with this summers events. Though what happened this summer didn't happen to me...I did internalize it and took it very personal. Yesterday during a session with my awesome counselor... I broke through and challenged a belief I have been carrying for ages.

When I was a child, I was sexually assaulted by an extended family member. I was told several times over the years it wasn't my fault... But I was also told several times that some of the things I did, were because I was molested. I began to believe I was broken because of that single event. I've been working on that concept over the last several years in counseling. I didn't realize it until yesterday that there was still this underlying belief system that couldn't quite believe that I was completely innocent in it all.

Several times when I've heard people talk about perpetrators and what they look for in a victim ... They say things like insecure, weak, unsure, etc. So therefore... I felt as if I was those things. After all... That is what a perpetrator looks for in a victim right?

As we spoke about the three ways that things happen in our lives... 1 by our own actions and choices, 2 by others actions and choices, 3 because we live in a telestial world where trials are a part of every day Life... I began to realize my belief system that somehow I attracted this horrific event. I somehow asked him to do this to me. As I challenged that thought... All of a sudden this healing came over me in a huge way.... I didn't want this done to me!  He chose to attack me. I am not weak! I am strong! If he did sense insecurities in me... It does not me I am insecure... It does not define me. I am not weak. I am not unsure. I wasn't unsure. I pulled his hand away immediately! I set boundaries. He didn't follow them. He lied to me. He broke trust. He chose to do that to me. I am not weak. I am strong.

I am not broken! I am healing. People choose to hurt others. We don't somehow attract being victimized.

I have been taking this attack on my child this summer very personally. I am realizing that I felt responsible for what happened. I should have taught her to be strong. I should have helped her be more confident. I should have seen it happen and stopped it. NO! I shouldn't have. This person should have grown up and showed self control. He should have been the kind of person in my child's life that was a champion for her. Not an abuser to her. (And to the rest of us.) The verbal/mental/emotional abuse has gone on for years by this person. We did our best to love and talk to them about it as needed. We never knew that he would cross that line or that he already had crossed that line in the past with other of our children.

In life... We may not know there is a problem with our pipes until that pipe finally bursts and water starts pouring out. Sometime we move in to old houses and know there is a potential for pipe issues but exactly where is hard to determine until we see that burst. (a great analogy from my counselor). We knew there was potential of him escalating because of his past aggression but couldn't know what or where until it happened.

He is the one at fault. He is the perpetrator. He is the one who saw an opportunity to to abuse and took it. She didn't attract it. She isn't weak or helpless. She is one of the strongest people I know. They all are. I have 6 amazing powerhouse children. We are not weak! We are strong!

Out of the Mouth of Babes

It has been ages since I have written.  I need to get on and update more.  Not for anyone else... but for me. I love writing. It helps me process in such deeper ways.  Today's post will be short. Something happened tonight. So profound... so true. 

A quick background... We have been though some really rough crud this month. An extended family member physically assaulted one of my children.  We have been dealing with CPS, Three different police departments... it has been horrible, heart wrenching and in short...Hell.

There have been so many blessings that have come out of it though. Our eyes were opened to many many things. Most importantly... we are stronger and closer than ever as a little family. I have been especially strengthened through this process.  The Lord has blessed me with so much strength and patience. The old Jennie who would have run away while throwing every dart possible at this person to make them pay for what they did.  We took our time, prayed like crazy and showed ourselves and others grace.

But the biggest blessing of all happened tonight during family prayer. This child who has been targeted by this person for years. The verbal and emotional abuse has been inexcusable over the years. Then this month they crossed the line with this child.  ( We later found out during this process that this wasn't the first time this line has been crossed with others of my children. :( )  Anyway Tonight, this child of mine prayed that this family member could get the help that they need so that they could see them again. I was so touched by their childlike forgiveness and understanding. The Christlike love that radiated through that prayer was so touching. I had to journal it to remember this day. This child taught me so much tonight. What a blessing it is to be their mother.

Keepin' it real

It's no secret, that on this blog... I'm pretty much an open book.  There are many times (especially lately) where I haven't wanted to be an open book, so I haven't blogged much.  I want to catch up on my life the past few months.

The love of my life is in his 3rd Trimester of school right now. Only 3 more to go!!! He is cramming it all in, to get done asap.  Last semester he took 17 credits.  It was a rough semester to say the least but we made it. Tough classes, funding issues and hormonal momma/wife. Not to mention housing issues, repairs etc. This semester he is taking 18 credits. So far it is going much more smoothly. Our funding came through on time. We have a new landlord who is awesome! Classes are tough but we are a lot more organized and put together this semester. As far as the hormones.... well, sit back and I'll tell you.

So... the past few months Trever and I have been watching my cycle very closely.  Since I still have a period, but don't bleed, its harder to track. Although Trever has been keeping tabs on me monthly and calendaring it in his phone since we got married. (Smart man, he knows when it's ok to come close and when its better to just give me space) hahaha. Over the last year though, I have been even more emotional and each month it seems to be getting worse.  I thought maybe my PTSD symptoms from delivery were coming back or something.  My anxiety and depression have been high especially during ovulation and period times. So pretty much every two weeks for a couple of days... I'm a mess!

We started talking about what we thought was going on... Trever mentioned that he thought I needed to get my hormone levels checked.  I knew my hormones were off, but I still had my overies, so I didn't think it could be that. After talking with my friend, she referred me to a PA who has been helping her out.  I went in and saw her.  We talked about my symptoms throughout the cycle. Based on how I am feeling/acting during certain parts of the cycle, she concluded that I needed a small dose of estrogen and a medium dose of progesterone. The ironic thing is... I have never been on birth control a day in my life until now.  Now... when there is no way possible that I could get pregnant. hahaha.

She said it would take a couple of months for things to fully get into gear, to know if the dosage is the right amount.  A few days in, my depression was a lot more consistent, Then came a little break and then the anxiety started to rev up.  I have been on it three weeks and starting to see things level out just a smidge.  I'm sure my body will still have adjustment times over the next month, but I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I have also been sick, pretty much since Thanksgiving. With a few good days in December just in time to do tamale classes. Which then wore me out and put me back under. haha. I'm a go big or go home gal.  I got the stomach bug, then colds, then the head flu. Then Bronchitis, then back to the head flu (probably a different strain).  The kids will be sick for a day of two, but me... I have been in bed for the better part of the last month.  I was really starting to feel worthless, just sitting in bed all day. I also didn't want to get out of bed because that would lead to getting out of the house and having to drive on icy roads. The idea terrified me!!! I'll tell you why in a few....

I was getting pretty depressed and like I said, feeling worthless, pointless.  My kids helped make dinner, Caleb, Becca and I just watched movies all day. What was my purpose as a wife, and mother.  How was I contributing at all to my world.  I've been in an out of this funk for a few months now and felt like I was going downhill fast.  I didn't know how to pull out of it.  We had talked about my maybe needing to check myself in to the hospital but I just couldn't do that to Trever at the start of the new semester. I just needed to take my happy pills a little more often and I would get through it. Probably not the wisest decision but I knew going in would send our world in an upside down frenzy that would just make matters worse in every way.

As I counseled with Trever, he encouraged me to do one thing, no matter how small, that was productive each day. The first couple of days, I would literally do one small task and head right back to my bed. But I did it.  I was able to tell him at the end of the day, that I did that one thing.  And no matter how small it was, he would tell me good job and he was proud of me. Then we started talking about my spiritual and physical feelings of worthlessness. So after we talked it through, he suggested one thing productive (even if it is just taking my stash of dishes by my bed to the sink), one thing spiritual (even if it is sharing a quote from a General Authority on FB, which he lovingly pointed out that I do often anyway, so I really was working on my spirituality even if I didn't think I was. ) and one thing physical (even if it is just getting out of bed and walking downstairs then coming up and getting right back in bed).  Again, didn't have to be anything big, just something that was on purpose. Then at the end of the day, I could recognize that I accomplished something.  The first day, I listened to my Hillary weeks music (spiritual) ran a few errands (physical) and cleaned out the car (Productive). Yesterday wasn't as big, but I did something. The funny thing is, I am finding that I am actually doing more than one thing in each area. I had burdened myself with this pressure to be super mom/wife all the time and so therefore I shut down and never wanted to do anything. It was all too overwhelming. Now that the pressure is off to do anything and everything.... I only have to do one thing... then all of a sudden, I am free to do whatever I want. Today I was able to read two ensign articles from conference while eating lunch, we cleaned my room and the laundry room, while also doing laundry, and I danced a little bit to the music that was playing. Things that to some, may not be much, but to those who live with depression... you know how huge that is.

K- Back to the scared to drive thing...Here is why... I took Trever to school a few weeks ago so that I could have the car for a Dr's appt or something.  My van was literally crawling up the huge hill towards the temple/campus, while sliding on the ice. I couldn't rev it to catch some momentum because I would slide even more, and I couldn't take my foot off the gas or I would slide back down the hill. (at least that is what it felt like would happen). It was terrifying!  Cars were all around me, some had to turn around because they couldn't make it either.  I was so scared to get back on the horse! I stayed home as much as I could and in bed where it was safe.  My anxiety began to skyrocket and so did my depression.  I was too sick to go to church and only got out of bed when absolutely necessary. And of course to go to my Dad and Lisa's sealing. Then I was back home and in bed for the next week. blah!

We decided that it was time to get new rear tires on the van to help with the ice issue.  I am one that likes to run the tires into the ground before replacing them.  Get every last mile out of them that I can. In the snow and ice... that isn't quite possible.  They need to have good tread to withstand it.  So on Monday, I went to get new tires on....

Also this last week while I was super depressed I knew we needed some family time. So, Trever and I took the Kids to see Moana, We loved it! It was great to get out of the house.  Then on Sat, Trever really wanted to see Star Wars for his birthday.  He and I were just going to go, but it had just moved to the dollar theatre so we took the whole family for the same price.  Yay for family time.

I know this post is all over the place. I kind of just spewed it all over the screen.  I have really been wanting to process all that has gone on the past few weeks.  I know I often only post the good things on FB (besides my forwards and shares.) But when its about me/us, I usually only post the pinterest moments. Mainly because I don't want to be "that" woman that is always complaining and being a Debby downer.  The reality is, life is good bad and ugly sometimes.  I have really been blessed to be able to catch myself when my depression hits and have enough clarity to know when we are getting into emergency territory. I have also been very blessed to be able to look for the good in the middle of the storm. (at least sometimes)  It has become a coping mechanism for me I think.  When things get hard, to avoid a panic attack I just look for something, anything calming and peaceful about the situation.  Something I think my dear husband has taught me.  I am so thankful that I have been able to have those as blessings in my life. I really think that they are the reason I am alive and still functioning. I can't take any credit for it, though we all know that sometimes I try. hehe. It has also been a huge blessing to have new tires. What a world of difference! They looked fine, so I really didn't think it was going to do much, but it did.  It has helped me want to get out of the house more because I feel safer driving on the snow and Ice.  I'm still figuring out how to drive in this Idaho weather.  This AZ girl has lots of learning to do, but I am getting tons of practice with this heavy winter. (last winter wasn't even close to this one!)

Anyway, thanks for letting me process. I know there are tons of run-on sentances and It is an English nightmare, but that is me. Just keepin it real for ya'll. ;) Life is good, it really is.  The blessings outweigh the trials, we just have to search for them.  The good news is... practice makes perfect.  Someday, I will be a pro and be able to have a lot better mastery over my emotions and outlook on life... until then, I am learning a lot and fighting hard!

Forever Family

On January 14th 2017 my Dad and stepmom Lisa were sealed for time and eternity in the Salt Lake Temple.  It was such a blessing to be a part of it all!

On Friday morning, I jumped into my sister and brother-in-law's truck and we carpooled down to Salt Lake. I had been incredibly sick and it was my first time out of bed in a while.  (besides Dr's appts and pharmacy runs). I was finally feeling on the mend that morning. Have I mentioned how much I love modern day medicine?!! I am so thankful that Nick and Hayley let me tag along. It made the trip so much more rewarding and far less boring.  I didn't want to juggle the kids all weekend by myself and I pretty much told my husband he wasn't allowed to come.  He is taking 18 credits of one of the hardest degrees at BYUI. I knew asking him to come, would cause him to quickly get behind and mess him up for the rest of the semester.

My sweet in-laws let me borrow their car for the weekend, which saved a ton of time, money and energy for me. Thanks again Jim and Joyce!!! I drove to the hotel downtown and found out that their parking garage was under renovation, so I had to park 6 blocks away and shuttle in. A crummy inconvenience but it all worked out.  I offered to do the flowers for the sealing so I ran to a couple stores looking for just the right combination.  I also got some snacks and water bottles to last me the weekend.

Friday night I met up with my mom and we went to dinner at the Olive Garden that was right across the street at the hotel.  I was good to catch up with her.  Then I went back to the hotel and got to work on the Corsage and Boutineers for the sealing. I had a few leftover flowers that I wasn't sure what to do with since I was checking out of the hotel and going to be in the city for a few more days, so I decided to do a random act of kindness and leave them for the maid/housekeeping that cleaned up my room. I hope it made her day.  It was kind of fun to leave something so random for someone who probably never gets thanked.

Saturday morning I checked out of the hotel and went to the Joseph Smith Memorial where I met up with my Dad and Lisa. We walked over to the Temple and they went inside to get ready while I waited for the rest of the family to arrive.  It was a nice peaceful time to sit and enjoy the calmness of the Temple. The Sealing was simply beautiful.  I am so happy for these two, to be together for eternity. I never thought I would be attending a sealing for my own parent, but things happen, and your family gets to grow.  I am so glad it did! I have an amazing new step mom, new step siblings, (which I adore) and new step nieces and nephew. I love it!!! I'm excited for the family to grow even more, when my mom finds her new eternal companion.

My selfie for the kids during my quiet/me time that morning.

Since my dad's parents have both passed away, I got to sit in the "mom" chair next to him. It was such an honor to be a part of the sealing in that way. Again, never something I thought about outside of my own children's weddings. It was such a special thing for me to be a part of. I was so touched. Oh how I love these two!!!

Isn't this little sugar bug so cute?  And my Sister... wowza!

A Couple of my step siblings and their spouses

My Beautiful sister-in-law Mindy and my sweet Liberty girl. (It was so cold! Especially for these two)

 A couple of the grandbabies

 3 of Lisa's kids

 Lisa's family (missing a couple)

 Lisa's dear friend Tawni and her husband.  Love her!! I feel like I want to be her best friend!

 Haha Maddie was commenting on how she felt like it was a prom picture with her arms around Lisa. (had to be there, it was hillarious)

I'll have more to post soon of my side of the family. These are ones that I took....

After the sealing, we went to the Garden Restaurant for lunch. Holy Moly, you have got to try their steak! Seriously the best steak I have ever had. It was tender, smothered in mushrooms and onions, with fabulous mashed potatoes and asparagus.  I ate like a queen that weekend! I also loved loved loved their fried pickles and artichoke dip. SO YUMMY. I can barely hold back the drool right now just thinking about it,  Yeah, it was that good!

After lunch, they took off on their second honeymoon, I did a little shopping at the mall.  I got the kids each a little something and then met back up with Chad, Mindy and my sister Deserie.  While we were waiting for Deserie at Deseret book, I spotted a new favorite picture.  I want it!!!! Something about this one just really speaks to me and moves me.

We went to Blue Lemon for shakes and then I headed to my dad's house where I crashed the rest of the weekend. I unloaded all of my things and then headed back out to Red Robbin to meet up with my Mom, Deserie, Nick, Hayley and Liberty for a birthday dinner for Des. 

After Dinner, Hayley and Liberty came over for a movie night.

On Sunday, I lounged around and got some much needed rest. I was just what the Dr. ordered. I also got myself some soup from Mimi's cafe and of course some Panda express. two things I can't get in Rexburg. I also got to skype with my loves back home. I loved my time away but missed them like crazy.

Monday morning, I was spent and ready to see my kiddos and my hubby. It was a beautiful drive home. I love seeing the world covered in white! 

What a beautiful and special weekend. I am so glad I was able to be a part of it! I'll post more picts when they get them back from the photographer.

My Thoughts On Why and Who I Chose for President

I have had a lot on my mind lately with this Election coming up and wanted to process through some of my thoughts.

I have always been anti Hillary. Not gonna lie.  I think that anyone going through a criminal investigation, caught steeling votes etc, should immediately be booted from the competition. Why hasn't she?  She is a powerful woman with a lot of money.  My husband and I are really in to the super hero movies lately.  Well, I should say lately for me, forever for him.  After years, I am finally converted. :)

I watch the rich and powerful take what they want, blackmail their way through life and kill when someone stands in their way. Is this not happening right now with Hillary? It is so scary how someone can say that they want to protect toddlers by taking away guns and yet wants to legalize killing babies up to the day they are born. (which my experience is,,,, we never know when they could be ready to come.  My youngest is a thriving three year old, born 9 weeks early!)

She has her hands in most of the mainstream media. Telling them what to say and what not to say. Ick!! She has huge illegal donations coming in from special interest groups. She knows how to get her way and will stop at nothing to do it. Including.... getting her way into the votes of the House and Senate! (More on that later) Do you remember on the movie Pollyanna when the Reverend was giving the sermons that the woman paying his salary wanted him to give? Not what God wanted him to give. Not even a comparison on the same scale, I know.... but the concept is the same.  Money talks unfortunately.

Which brings me to my next point.  Up until two weeks ago, I was undecided about the election.  The one I voted for in the primaries, was out and I didn't like what options were left.  Then a bright young Mormon from Utah came to surface and I was dazzled by the possibilities that he could bring to the table.  There was always something in the pit of my stomach that seemed wrong about him. It took me a while to figure out that was what I was feeling.  Something seemed fishy about the last minute jump in to the race.  Although I get it, It is never too late to stand up and do the right thing.  The first time I heard Evan speak, I heard him say that the courts have spoken about Gay marriage so he isn't going to mess with that issue.  That struck something in me.... someone who was a member of a church that is very anti gay marriage.... hmmm, Is he just too passive to fight that one?  Is his membership in the church not what it claims?  Is he actually gay and doesn't want to say anything until he "wins" then he will push gay rights?  (maybe far fetched... but he isn't married and doesn't share much about his personal life)  I believe marriage is between a man and a woman is ordained of God! If he doesn't want to fight for that, then how else does he want to "not fight" for the family? I know that people have gay tendencies, just like others have tendencies to drink, over eat etc.  We all have our trials. And someone who is gay, is still a child of God. Just like a drunk or anyone else. I have gay/lesbian family members and friends.  Some of the nicest people I know! People who have blessed my life greatly. That being said... I stand with God. Marriage is between a man and a Woman. Why doesn't Evan want to fight for the family unit?

In that same interview, he name called Trump over and over.  That's cool, mudslinging has become a part of the election process.  We Americans love drama.  Come on, admit it.... we love the drama. My concern is that almost every time he spoke, his mention of Hillary was lame at best.  He always focused on name calling Trump. The way he approached it sounded like a two yr old tattle telling on his sibling. Juvenile name calling not talking about specifics much.  Why does he hate Trump so much.  I get that the guy has an ego to cover the pacific ocean but why not team up against Hillary.  I truly admired Romney for pulling out of the race in 2008 (I think it was) when it was evident that McCain was ahead in the polls.  He didn't want to split the republican party or the conservative vote to give more power to the Democratic party. So why is Evan trying to split the party?  Another thing that made me wonder about him.  Again, I get standing up for rights and it's high time to give the individual a voice. He isn't doing that though. Think about it.... He is trying to rig the system so that he can win. He is trying to put the decision of Electing president in the hands of a few people.  Even if he was everything I wanted in a President, that concept scares me.  We are all so bugged that the Electoral College gets the final say on our votes but now we want to take it one step further and the the House decide?  That really scares me.  What happens to the next election when everyone says, well my vote didn't matter then, so why vote now?  They are already saying that because of the "rigged poles". Since when did a conservative want to take away that right to vote from individuals. If he wanted this so bad, then why doesn't he focus on the way the founding Father's set it up, instead up trying to find a loophole in the system. Scary!!!!

The more I learned about him the more fishy things looked.  He was in the CIA and his time there was classified. He worked for Goldman Sachs, a company all too well connected with the Clinton's. Oh and the work he did there is also not able to be talked about.  Then the work in Washington... again can't be talked about. What do we really know about this guy? Really?  We know he is not married.  According to Brigham Young... at his age, that makes him a Menace to society. haha sorry, had to toss that out there! More importantly though, being the President is a rough job.  How can he handle the job with out a help meet by his side.  How can he really do his job justice without someone to go home to at night.  I know many people make it in this tough world, single, divorced, widowed etc.  As the office of President though?  That's a little bit more to chew.  We all need someone to lean on, process our thoughts to, and someone else's view on the situation.  I know he has a VP who could offer that to a certain extent, but she is another man's wife!  Evan needs someone that he can be vulnerable with. who knows him inside and out, to be a help meet for him. Again, the family unit doesn't seem to be a big deal to him. Which could snowball into some really big issues down the road.

There has been evidence, fabricated or not, that links Evan to Hillary.  With all of the other things above, I am starting to believe it.  Is he really on her payroll?  Is he really here to split the party and more importantly, to take the heat off of her investigation? Secret Combinations anyone? If, by even a small chance, he is one of her minions.... do you honestly think he will stay in the race once "his plan" works?  (Which it won't by the way. Hillary won't let it!) Even if it does however, who is to say, he will take the job.  He could just as easily be bought off to pull out right when Hillary has finished her plan.  When she has blackmailed or bought off just enough members of the House to put her in. It all seems just a little to good to be true, the Evan McMullin.  He got it, just in time to have his background protected from the media.  He isn't a threat to the campaign, since he is new, so why waste the millions to really look in to him?  His standing in the church (which is really none of our business, I know....but is it? If you are going to advertise you are Mormon....then shouldn't we know a little more about your membership? ) We will never know that though, because no Bishop or Stake President is able to come forward with that. Not a huge issue, except for the fact that he is trying to take Utah by hoping his claim to be a Mormon will get him the votes. Everything in his life is Classified people!

That brings me to Trump.  The guy is an idiot.  He says things that really are not P.C. He is a womanizer and egotistical. I think that is why I like him though.  (Not the womanizer part... we can get into that in a bit) I like that he is not PC. I like that he says things how they are.  I like that he isn't afraid to tick someone off.  He is why... we live in a world where if a white person calls someone black, they are racist. I called in to Walmart one day to praise an employee for being so kind. He always had a smile on his face, and always made my day brighter.  I didn't ever catch his name, which was my bad, but I didn't want to put off calling in, to give his manager a thumbs up for this guy.  So when it came time to describe him.... Well the easiest thing to say was that he was black.  He was one of a few blacks that worked there... and he was the only one that was a door greeter.  I felt like I had committed a crime describing him using his color.... but seriously... I would have said red hair, tall and skinny, Asian or whatever. Why do we have to worry about being PC these days?  Why does everything we say have intended hatred behind it?  When did we stop giving people the benefit of the doubt?  When did we stop looking at their "fruits" instead of hanging on every word to see how we can make it sound rude or degrading.

When Louisiana was under water, who came to the rescue. Photo op or not, who came to those people.  The President was too busy on his vacation to take the time to help out the people he swore to protect.  Hillary Clinton (after all of the flack she got) finally called the Governor to see what needed to be done.  (One of her followers by the way) He told her not to worry about coming.  How convenient.   Since when do we need an invitation to provide help. Trump saw a need and was there with support and help very quickly.  When I saw his video... whether a puff piece of not, I was amazed at the way he was talking to them. He was in the assembly line doing work. He didn't send someone to do it for him. He was there, on the front lines, helping. He may say and do a lot of things that are not my favorite, but he got my attention that day.  Where was Evan?  Where was Johnson? Where was anyone else?  ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL! By their fruits, ye shall know them.  I wish I knew ANYTHING from Evan's background to get to see his fruits.  not the Fluffy PC stuff. But really know him.

Many people slam Trump about his comments on Veteran's, Mormon's etc.  Coming from someone who has put her foot in her mouth many times.... I get it!  What I watch for is the continued things, like "God Bless you all" said after many of his speeches.  They way he talks about God, he believes in Him.  Maybe not in the same way I do.... but I am not worried about my religion with him.  Hillary wants to change Religion.

I read and listened to the speech Trump gave to the Veteran's.  The press spinned the story into crap. I thought he was trying to connect with them, not belittle them.  Many times since, I have heard him stand up for our Veteran's.  Talking about how horrible they are treated and how he wants to change that.  How he wants to strengthen our military and give them the backup and support they need. Having many friends and family in the military... I am thankful for that. We all know the help and support Hillary offered our Military.  Our guys were ambushed!

I like what I have seen when Trump talks about our police officers.  I have hope that he will be able to help protect our officers.  Again, he is not PC. So I really think he will help us get to the root of the segregation that comes from the Black lives, Blue lives, All lives matter movement.  Everything our current president does, is turn issues into race issues.  Everything with him is about race.  For someone who claims to not be racist... he sure has created a lot of racism in our country since he has been in. People see and hear him and think now that everything that involves a black guy.... is because of race.  Seriously... how do we not see it.  He is slowly bringing racism in full circle again. It's sad.  I know we will always have racists in our midst, but it is becoming a huge problem. It is all because of this PC crap that we have been indoctrinated with.

Now, back to the latest Trump "scandal". What he said was sick and wrong.  There is no denying that, making excuses for that or anything. Sick and Wrong! End of story.

We are way past looking for a perfect person. Way past looking for someone who is the perfect candidate. We need someone who will put our enemies in their place. We need someone who is not afraid to make someone a little angry.  Trump is a business man.  He has an ego.... do you really think he would risk losing his profile on Mt, Rushmore by screwing this up?

I have seen his compassion in the quiet way that he helps out Single mom's struggling.  Or family's who need support.  Another of the the fruits that I have seen, that I like. He has used his money to help others.

He has the guts to turn this country around.  I don't see Evan doing that.  (even if his plan did work) I definitely don't see Mr, Johnson having the guts to take care of things. We are on the verge of another world war!  We need someone who can keep us from it. If anything, strengthen our military to protect us from it.  Not Hillary, who wants to open the borders and weaken our defenses.  Trump wants to build a wall.  Maybe a little extreme.... but what I like is that he wants to make Mexico accountable for their side of this.  He found a way to secure the border's and make Mexico pay for it.  Simply Genius! He wants to stop going to other countries for jobs, trade etc, when we have able bodied American's right here who could do it themselves.  Bring back jobs for Americans and bring back prosperity for Americans.  I loved that Romney had the track record of building from the bottom up. In his own life and with the Olympics.  Trump has done the same.  People slam him for filing bankruptcy. Do you know who else has?  Dave Ramnsey.  What of the greatest financial counselors of all time.  We don't discredit Dave for Filing.  We see that he learned from it and is better now for it. Stop letting the media tell you what to think people!  We need to start thinking for ourselves.  I know that my views don't match with everyone's. Nor do I want them too.  God created us to think for ourselves. He gave us individual experiences to help bring new ways of seeing the bigger picture.  To bring diversity to our world. It is what makes us great!  If we all felt the same about each situation, candidate etc... we would have followed satan's plan. We would all be drones with no individuality. So regardless of who you want for president.  Just vote. Please just vote!  We need to stand up and let our individual voices be heard and not let a select few choose for us.

Two Roads

I can't believe it has been 10 months since I last wrote down my thoughts. I kept putting it off, hoping to be able to write some good news, and it seemed to never come.  Shortly after my last post, I was feeling super good and up for a new adventure.  After a few weeks of ideas popping into my head and processing with Trever, we began to feel that it was time for a big change in our lives.  We decided to move out of state. Just days later, things began to fall into place.  Our landlord came and said that he needed to sell the house and gave us a 30 days notice. "Wow, this must really be right!" we thought. We wanted to move to an area where we knew no one, and could get a fresh start on life. A place where I was forced outside of my comfort zone and was able to thrive!"  (I later found out that this dream was more of my dream, not really our dream.) We began looking in Texas in areas where we didn't have connections.

After sharing the news with my in-laws and talking with them, they of course didn't want us to go... we found a connection to some work in Kingman, AZ. We had hoped that this job would lead us to Texas eventually, Just a little detour, that would help us fulfill our dreams, was how I saw it. On that trip to visit the steel plant, our landlord called and said he wasn't quite ready to sell so we didn't need to leave as fast.  That sounded great because just minutes later, we found out that the plant wasn't hiring quite yet and would be ready hopefully in a few months.  Everything was working out.  We could see the Lord's hand in it all. Things weren't going to work out as quickly as we hoped, but we could see reason for staying a little longer.

The next few months, we just waited. During that time, I had some big ups and downs emotionally.  I had another suicidal night, where I began to doubt our dreams would ever come true.   We would have little moments of hope, then those plans would fall through. Over and over, this would happen. I felt like God was enjoying playing with my emotions.  I was ready to give up.  I put my running shoes on (no, I am not a runner) and I bolted out of the house. I made it about a half block before I was worn out. haha. I have never run that fast in my entire life!  I ran to the park around the corner, climbed to the top of the jungle gym and sat, planning my end.  As I sat, I cried out to the Lord for help.  I knew deep down that things would change, I just didn't want to be patient.  Deep down, I knew He was there and not trying to hurt me or play with my emotions.  I knew deep down that he loved me and this was all part of the plan.  I had a thought come to my mind, just give it one more day, and then you can decide whether or not to end things. I knew that if I walked away, I most likely I would change my mind and decide to keep going.  That disappointed me somehow.  With the Lord's help, I was able to build the strength and courage to get off that jungle gym and walk home.

The next day wasn't much better, but I had more strength somehow. (Only because of the grace of my Father in Heaven) I again decided that I would give it one more day. Each day I waited, I began to get stronger.  Life got a little sweeter and I was glad I waited.

By may, my stress level was higher... I waited and waited.  For everything to start falling into place again.  Our dreams seemed to get further and further from our reach.  ( I now see that things weren't falling apart, they were still falling into place.) The beginning of may, I caught the flu.  And all day I felt like I was exploding out of both ends.  Sorry TMI? :) I got so sick that by that night, I knew I needed to go to the hospital.  Hopefully they had something to calm my stomach.  I was dehydrated and weak.  My heart rate was high (most likely from dehydration) and they got me right in. My sweet dad sat they with me as they hooked me up to an IV and started giving me some meds. I quickly began to feel my stomach settle and started to get my energy back as I became re-hydrated. They sent me home with some medication to help keep things calm until I could get back on my feet.

A few days later, I was back to normal, but a little more cautious about germs.  I never wanted to go through that again!  About 30 days later, I got it again!  This time, I didn't wait so long to go in.  I quickly began to see that I was not getting better without help.  This time, I ended up with 2 bags of IV solution! Yes, I had been trying to stay extra hydrated that whole month. I even kept the liquids coming in between bathroom visits that day. It took me a little longer to recover this time. I saw my Dr. and he put me on some heavier antacid to try to calm things down.  I also threw out my toothbrush, ( a friend pointed that out, I didn't even think of that being the problem!)  I became much more aware of germs! I pride myself on not being over the top about germs.  I am all about letting my body and my kids body, work through it and build the immune system instead of killing everything with anti-bacterial stuff so that the slightest bug would be able to attack their bodies, because they hadn't built up resilience to it.

This time... I knew if I got sick, before I was able to get strong again... I would be in big trouble.  I ended up having a huge aversion to almost all meet and many other foods. I slowly got stronger and felt like things were good.  I would randomly get stomach aches and I passed them off as just side effects of the migraines that I always get when I am outside too much.  I squint with the sun and end up getting tension headaches quite often.

The summer came and went.  No phone calls, no landlord progress with selling the house... things seemed to be non-existent when it came to our big plans.  Texas began to feel less desirable. It seemed that everything on the news was happening in Texas. haha.  We started researching other states.  Making sure to stay away from Utah and Idaho.  I did not want to do the snow!!! ( And yes, I am aware that there are other states with snow)  The ironic thing is, that I actually really love the snow.  It is so beautiful to me.  I love white!!! I love the cold.  I love to freeze myself out and snuggle up to a warm blanket and drink hot cocoa.  That is heaven to me!

School came closer to starting and I began to be thankful that I kept my kids registered for school.  I was so frustrated and stressed out that things weren't working out!  I knew that it was going to happen and I knew if was God's will.... but I just didn't know "when".  I am super impatient and I was almost offended at the thought that He was teaching me patience. lol.  I also knew that I would get to the other side of the trial and say that it was all worth it.  During the trial... nothing was worth it! I admit now, that yes, I would do it all over again. It was worth it!!!  I also admit that I did not handle that trial very gracefully.  It was really hard to get through.  It consumed me.  I wanted so badly to know the entire plan down to the tiniest of details so that I could prepare for it.  Had the Lord have told me that I would have to wait for this "big change" for over 6 months before finding out what and where and when...I would have gone even more crazy waiting for it!  Sometimes, He withholds information from us, to protect us from ourselves.  I also realized that all of those little potential job offers and connections that were there one day, and the next... gone... were not ways to prey on my emotions. They were actually Him telling me... "I've got this.  This is what is out there.... but there is something better for you.  Just wanted to let you know, that yes... I am still here working out the details."

I came across this little video/ talk that saved me, literally from going crazy. God was just showing me all of the wrong roads so that when we got to the right road, we would know with out a doubt that this, was where we needed to be! Check out the video Here!

After checking out a few states and many different job opportunities, we started to talk about Idaho and Utah. I resisted, but quickly felt better and better about it.  We began looking for the same company that we wanted to work for in those states.  They weren't in Idaho, but Northern Utah.  Utah just didn't feel right and Idaho began to feel better and better. (So did other states though... so I was very reserved about getting too excited about it. The idea of finally living near my best friend was so exciting.  If that fell through... I knew I would be crushed.  So I tried to not get my hopes up.  We applied to quite a few companies and never heard back.  Trever was even starting to get discouraged. But I also saw an excitement about Idaho that he never showed about the other states.

He found one company that he really liked and felt good about.  There were odd ways of applying and we ran into a few snags getting his resume to them.  He kept saying that he thinks this is where he needed to be.  So I slowly started to let my guard down.  Very slowly!! For about a week or two he heard nothing back. So again I began to doubt.  See, I told you I was impatient!  He began to be more sure that this was going to happen. Every time the phone rang, every time there was a new email...our hearts would jump!

One day after picking Trever up from work, he got a phone call.  They loved his resume and they apologized for taking so long to get back to him. They were lots of changes going on at the office. The secretary told him that she really liked him from the beginning and kept telling the boss that they needed to get a call to him asap.  She set up a phone interview for a couple days later.  They were going to call on his lunch break and if something came up, they would call him later that day.  His lunch break came and went. I began having flashbacks of all of the other jobs that would call, set up and interview and never call. Resulting in days of trying to get a hold of them and no luck. I started putting up my wall again, bracing for impact.  Yet still hanging on to that hope that Trever had.  It strengthened me.  They finally called that evening.  He talked to the manager, Todd.  Todd was super impressed with his skills.  (Trever had applied for the fitter/welder position)  Todd said that he wanted Mark, the owner, to chat with him and he would call in a few days. Right at the end of the "end of the few days" Mark calls.  He chats with Trever talking about goals, dreams, etc. Through out "waiting period" Trever had decided that he wanted to be a mechanical engineer. He wanted to go back to school and finish his degree.  (another blessing of the wrong roads leading to the right roads for him.)  He asked Trever about interest in management (rhetorically), Trever said that he would rather weld and fit. That is where he enjoys being.  After the conversation, Trever was worried that he said the wrong thing, Maybe they wanted to give him a bigger and better position and he just blew his chances.  Again we waited for the call back. This phone call was a Thursday.  I had hoped and prayed that we would receive a job offer with that phone call. That next day was the kids last day before fall break.  I wanted them to be able to say goodbye to everyone. Since we weren't sure if they would offer the job, I didn't want the kids to say goodbye (like they did at spring break) and then come back to school. We of course didn't get an offer.  They were going to call us back.


I sent the kids to school telling them that it might be their last day but we weren't sure.  They had been updating their teachers and friends that we most likely would be moving.  Oh how I wished that they could say goodbye to everyone. They came home from school with some beautiful stories!  Each child (except Kaylee because her teacher was out of town, but we get to be Facebook pals) had an amazing day of goodbyes. Their teachers must have been prompted that this really was going to be their last day. They made cards and bought treats.  Friends did the same.  Each child was able to have exactly what they needed to feel loved and have closure.  I'm talking total inspiration. Each child's day was catered to their specific personality and love language. Emma's teacher lined the kids up and had them all give Emma a hug or high five on their way out. Perfect for my physical touch girl.  Kenzie's friends showered here with gifts and words of affirmation. Malia's did the same thing, while also spending quality time with her. They gave comfort to my kids in a way that could not have been planned.  Still to this day, it brings tears to my eyes how miraculous it all was.  They were of course worried about the change and worried about saying goodbye and getting to see everyone before we left.  The Lord made that happen, even though we still weren't sure if it was actually going to happen. It was so comforting to me to know that they could have that day still, even though we weren't sure.

That weekend was conference. It was a good distraction.  We slowly packed  (again... I was still hesitant. These guys seemed flaky and I wasn't convinced that this was going to happen.  I had also started packing back in march when we thought we had thirty days to be out.  So I wasn't going to pack too crazy until it was a for sure deal.) We waited.  We watched conference, played with each others hair and waited.

 On Tuesday, they finally called!  They offered him a starting pay of only .50 cents more than he was making already. We had hoped for more than that, but understood that they wanted to make sure he was all he was on paper before they gave him anything big. They also said they wanted to hire him with the intent to make him the foreman asap.  We were thinking a big pay raise when that happened.

We prayed about it and felt good about it. We accepted the offer.  They wanted him to start asap.  He had already talked to his current manager and told him that he needed to find something that was able to provide for his family better. He understood and was rooting for Trever.  He also said that we didn't need to give two weeks notice.  Just to keep him posted. SO.... We told TRC (the new company) that we would start that next Tuesday.  OH!!!! And to top things off, our landlord came to us a few weeks prior and said he was probably going to foreclose. So we knew that  we needed to start thinking about packing and such. We also didn't need to put any more money into fixing back up the house or cleaning it when we left.  That was a huge blessing for us. We certainly didn't have the money to repaint and fix up everything our little crazy's had broken.  We also only had just over 48 hours to pack and get out of there. It was so nice not to have all of that on our plate.

Thursday, we had a little goodbye party at the park, since we wouldn't be able to see everyone one last time at church. Trever's dad flew down to help us drive the truck,  Blessings started pouring out of Heaven. Somehow we were able to get a truck, pack it, pay for two vehicles gas for the trip as well as all other expenses.  We were only able to pull it off from the help of so many angels here on earth and in heaven. Storage unit, gas, hotel, room and board, food etc. All of it was taken care of in miraculous ways!  We loaded the truck Friday and took off Saturday. We took two days to get up to Utah, so that we could rest and stop as needed without the stress. We drove up to Utah and put our stuff in a storage unit.  (We still had no idea where we were going to live or anything!)  Trever stayed with us that night and drove up to Idaho that next day. (Monday) He then started work on Tuesday.

Saying goodbye

My Gilbert Temple

We were going to stay in Utah with my in-laws while Trever stayed with my sister and her husband. We kept busy all day Tuesday.  By Wednesday, we were so homesick for Trever. I was about to say, yes I know I am pathetic... but no... I just love him that much that my heart literally aches to be near him when he was away.  We decided at the last minute on Wednesday to drive up and surprise him. We would stay a day or two and then come back to Utah all together for the weekend. Being up here in Idaho felt so peaceful.  It felt like home. Having Trever near me felt like home.  Staying in Utah for a few more weeks or months (who knew when we would be able to save up enough to do deposits and such to get into a house) felt almost painful.  Not because of anything except... the idea of leaving this feeling felt painful. (Trever's parents were wonderful and helped so much with the kids and everything.  They were the only reason going back to Utah felt do-able)

We stayed a few days with my best friend Mackenzie.  They had land that the kids could run and play on, and children to keep mine occupied.  It was fabulous!  As the weekend approached, we felt better and better about staying in Idaho for the weekend.  (still planning on going back to the original plan of staying with Trever's parents until we found a house).  Little did we know that we would end up staying with them almost 3 weeks!  Now that is friendship.... letting a family of 8 hang out with you at your house that long!!! Kenzie taught me so much while we were there.  I really feel like staying there gave me the solid base of things that I needed to do, be, etc in our grand adventure that was about to enfold.

We did take a weekend and go back to Utah for a family party.  It was so good to see everyone!  We haven't been up this way for about 7 years. We also got to stop off in McCammon to say hello to Trever's little brother Tanner and some special ancestors.

 My mom also got us a hotel room for a few nights to have some family alone time.  It was just what the doctor ordered.  She took us out to eat for FHE. They set all of the fries right in front of Trever.  I had to take a picture.  I wish they set them all in front of me!!!! I love their fries! We also went to Cabella's. Later that week we were blessed to meet up with a missionary from home, who is serving here.  Our buddie Elder Keaton McPeak.

We found a home and got really excited about it.  We didn't hear back from the landlord so I texted her. Come to find out, we weren't the only ones who put an application in. I thought it was a sure thing for us to get in it. She just needed to work out details and wait for the tenants to leave. I was iffy about this landlord too. She seemed very...well... lets just say, a family of 8 in that house would get very stressful. She seemed a little OCD about fix-ups, cleanliness etc.  With 6 littles.... That is just not possible. So Mackenzie jumped on Craigslist and immediately. It would be available in 2 days!!!  Down to the day, the housing situation worked out. The Swenson's were leaving to go out of town and I really did not want to overwhelm my sister with all of us in her home. She was so gracious to offer, but I really stressed out with Caleb destroying everything in the middle of the night while he was in the other room.   I have to have him contained in a crib or something right next to me, and even then, he still gets into mischief in the middle of the night. And he loved to get into things at her house more that others for some reason. lol.

We moved in on Thursday. With the help of an amazing couple who helped us come up with the needed funds.  Then things miraculously fell into place for us to be able to go the next day and get our stuff out of storage.  We drove straight down to Utah, loaded up and drove straight back.  It was a fun adventure!          

My moving helpers

Becca's Birthday party with Nick and Hayley

Haloween

We have been here a month and a half. I feel like the last 6 months were just a bad dream. Daily, I see more and more miracles that got us to where we are today.  I was really worried about switching schools.  We were in a school that I loved. I didn't think I could love a school more.  We live a block away from a school that has taken my amazing kids and helped them see even bigger and better things.  The neighborhood is filled with children who also help my kids be bigger and better versions of themselves.  They have friendships that I never thought were possible.  They of course miss their old school and friends but love it here as well.  I feel like we live in our own little paradise here!  The things that I wanted in other states that we considered... This area has it.  The climate, the location... everything is a miracle.  I thought I wanted to live where I didn't know anyone, so that I could just be me with out years of history in the equation.  I have that here!  My own little ward of new faces, new friendships etc.  Yet, I have my bestie Mackenzie and my Sister Hayley just miles away to lean on and to hang out with, when I just need a little bit of familiar in my life. I have the best of everything that we dreamed of, right here in our little piece of heaven!

I miss all of my Az friends and would love to see them.  That will never change.  I am thankful that as my AZ family fell apart, that I had them.there with me.  And when I felt like I would never make it home after delivering Caleb... they were there to pray for me, comfort me and care for my family for me.  Arizona will always hold a special place in my heart.  Well, the people... not the heat!

When we registered the kids for school, the secretary was from AZ. (Chandler)  She said that we were moving from the oven to the freezer. haha. I agree with that one.  It is cold here! I love it!!! There is flurries flying around outside me window as we speak,  It bring such happiness and joy to my soul.

My anxiety and depression are so much better up here.  I am so much stronger because of this trying year. I am hoping that after the winter hibernation is over, that I will be able to start to wean myself off of my medication. I know that the summer hibernation months were big depression months for me. So I am going to be realistic and wait until those months are behind me.

Being in a new state has brought a new set of germs to get used to... I got the flu for the 3rd time this year and ended up back at the hospital.  I am VERY aware of germs now and doing everything possible not to catch it again. My poor kids keep passing it around.  I think I may have an ulcer.  That stomach pain I was feeling and thought was migraine side effects... may have been ulcer pain.  I wish I would have tried to get on that sooner.  No insurance for a few more weeks has got me nervous.... But, the huge blessing has been the knowledge that I gained through getting a priesthood blessing, that I will be made whole. My body will heal.  I am working on eating better, building my immune system and getting healthy. I have learned a lot from that trial as well.

Trever is doing awesome at work. He was promoted in 4 days and is really loving management so much more than he thought he would.  He is learning so much and had opportunities to talk with and learn more about the Mechanical Engineers. We both know without a doubt that this is where we are supposed to be. It was a long rough rode to get here, but it would have been so much longer if we hadn't chosen the wrong road first!

Life will always have challenges and roadblocks, but right now, in this moment... I am happy.  Life is beautiful and I feel safe. (emotionally, spiritually and physically. ) I am in a good place right now.  I feel strong, I feel confident and I feel whole. For those out there struggling... keep fighting... keep believing!  God really does love you and is working out all of the crazy little details.

One last thing.... Those crazy little details are so perfect and so precise.  If we had moved to that first place we applied for in this same community... we would have been in a different ward.  We would have different neighbors. All of which have been such a blessing to us.  I most especially wouldn't have had my neighbor Amy, whom I found out also had accreta!!! Because we are next door neighbors, we were introduced in a way that sparked a conversation I never could have even imagined happening.  While starting to tell why I can't have more kids, she jumped in... "did you have Accreta?" That was a special moment for me!  Special because as much as I would like to let that part of my life go... I just can't.  It is who I am now. It is a part of me.  And Heavenly father knew that I needed someone here who just "got me"  Who has been through it herself.  Who knows what a scary roller coaster ride it can be.  Especially post delivery.  She gets me. And I get her.  Our stories may be so different, but one is not better than the other.  Both are Hell to go through. Yes, I just swore.  I know I know, I shouldn't speak like that.  But that is exactly what it is.

Thanks ya'll for being a part of this journey with me. In the words of my favorite fish Dori- "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!"

NOW: Who is ready for a picture overload?!!!!

 Our start wars nights... mommy catching up on star wars (cause I was not a fan!) so that we can watch the new one together. 

 Princess Leia buns

For Veteran's day, Emma's class did an amazing concert/tribute for the Veteran's.  Then we made cinnamon rolls for the Vet's/active duty in our ward. And topped it off with a party for our favorite soldier, Nick!

The house

Thanksgiving

We had my Cousin's Michelle and Caleb over with their families!

Snow and Christmas time!

A little bit of Random